hello little blog.

It's funny now, but it's really comforting to still have this collection of rants and woes hidden on the internet...perfectly intact and waiting for whenever I choose to come back.

When I was a kid, a sad kid but still full of wonder and adventure, I would wish to be older and an adult. I looked at my uncle and how I saw him on the train one day while on a school trip on his way to work sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper in a familiar shirt and I remember saying "how cool. He's going to work with coffee". I remember things like paper clips being so creative and inventive. I remember how paper seemed like a ray of infinite possibilities. Marriage was simple and something everyone just inevitably did and growing old with someone was as simple as it sounds. There were no worries of fading feelings, divorce, affairs, and the like on the horizon. It just seems so laughably stupid looking back on it now but that sheer simplicity is what drove us to be excited and child like. It drove me to want to be whatever I thought was cool at the time and it made me feel like life simply was not that hard.

But what I've learned is that life, in itself, is the hardest fucking thing anyone will ever do. It is a struggle and a challenge and a myriad of all these feelings and changes. It can be quite wonderful at times but for the most part it's either passable or downright oppressing. For some of us it's harder than others. For a lot of us it's not worth living for. It's almost crazy to think about all the fucking sadness that a person can come across. How quickly and randomly someone's life can go to shit and leave them questioning everything. It's funny to think that when you pass someone on the street they might have just pulled themselves up from a nervous breakdown or just got out of the hospital or just lost a parent. But in that same way that it's sad it's also curious. I'm not saying that I'm an optimist all of a sudden I just feel that my view on life has gone from bleak to tired. Tired of staring down this long road full of questions and responsibility in my old but still relatively new 18 year old feet but still I try and persist and I feel that that is enough for now.