sick at home=too many posts

my life was never a roller coaster of fun. neither then or now.
but it used to be enough to carry me by.
i vaguely remember being called beautiful from a old flame and smiling and shrieking as i held tightly to my cell phone.
(back then it actually rang)
Ha. but the best part was that clique i was in. B.r.a.c.k.a....with all our initials typed in.
i no longer talk to any of those girls...some Ive even come close to blows.
Even though i was a puppy in that group. Just a girl with loads of sneakers in the center of pitbulls. They defended me. They forced me to talk to my mild little crushes and
I was apart of that society.
(thank you)
God, Ive had my heart broken. And my soul rubbed away bit by bit. Girls who back stabbed me and forced me into a tear filled oblivion. I cant say a boy has EVER broke my heart. If anything i the heart breaking...after all i was one of the prettiest.
(how vain i used to be)
Girls who, even recently left my rope dangling 300 feet in the air. Ones who i never felt i could open up to, ones who couldn't be the friends i desperately needed even if it was out of there hands. and one girl who threw me away and left me bitter. And those who simply walked away.
(A boy has never left me voided)

I try to be positive. Put my life in a glass and observe it. Perspective.Some i guess even admire that fact.
i try hard not to whine and sound like the other 400,000 teens who truly believe their depressed.
I talk to my therapists, avoid the questions that make me cry.
I'm off my meds...trying very hard not to ask for them.
But i do get stuck in the pits of my depression at times. Days that i stare up to the wall and trully wonder what im doing here or who trully fucking cares.
those days...im a sadist.
But i know thats not me.
Depression is a battle. Not just a word that sums up all your frustrations and the tough, TRANSITORY times that willl pass.
Its a cloud that somehow takes you away and puts pain in its place.
Whwn i am trully happy. God, do i love the feeling. Even if it lasts for only 15 minutes.
Times where i smile and live in the moment. That person is amazing i will tell you that.

I might be a pessimest and that much im deadly sure but there is nothing more precious then having loving people around you and being completly and annoying happy.