the house is pretty quiet right now. For once i woke up earlier than noon due to my puppy who has just learned to climb the stairs and refuses to leave me alone or behave. But even she's sleeping now. I'm downstairs on the infamous green couch that has the texture of a carpet. The shades are drawn and the TV is off and the old computer that is probably suffering from a virus because of my serious use of Limewire is purring away. i have no clue what my mother is doing but she has yet to leave her room and i wont even bother to go up there because i really don't want to see john in his natural state.
Summer is slow and boring. I waste half the day sleeping because i stay up untill 4 a.m not doing much of anything. And by the time i feel like I'm actually awake and full of food its 4 or 5 and i watch a show or play a game and it turns into 9 or 11 and i either listen to music or play free game demos on my laptop. Theres the occasional show or event like tomarrow where i have tickets to be in the audience of "It's On with Alexa Chung" but i think ill have to go alone because my friends have jobs or programs and im wasting everything. Its not that im sad im just very unfulfilled and bored.
Sometimes i wish someone would just do something over the top for me like buy me a 3 layer paramore cake or plan a surprise party or take me on a 2,000 doller shopping spree. Sometimes i cant help but feel that i need to appreciate the short time on earth i have. I just keep having these thoughts like im terminal or something and i have no clue why. Anyway, I just want to go away to a differant country and drown myself in it's culture and general newness. Not an island and not the good ole U.S. Im hoping it will broaden my horizons or idk benefit me someway. Sadly this is just a reckless thought since my mom claims those trips cost thousands of dollers and must be planned monthes before. but the thoughts that pop into my head are the $7,000 dollers my mom wants to use on her chinese teeth which she claims are horrid. i mean their not pearly but fuck, you know thats 7 grand. And the fact that i know she could do it she just doesnt really want to....and it all sounds pretty selfish. So i probably wont leave New York this summer for the first time ever and thats okay I guess but not honestly.
In perspective I think these terminal thoughts are just an excuse. I wish i had an excuse to get everything i want, the love and attention, the dreams, and meeting paramore for once. I just want someone to take my hand drag me into a crowd and say "Hey, this is Briana. She's awesome give her a try" and people will give me a shot and my brain is just running mad with it i mean ill lose focus and start to daydream and its always about paramore coming to see me because its my dying wish. Basically im tired of dreaming because ive been doing it for about 12 years now.
oh, and dont let all the perspective talk and idk good word choice or vocabulary fool you. I can say all these things and diagnose my thoughts, dreams, and daily life but i can never erase it. These thoughts never stop. I am not my own placebo.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love"- Christofer Drew
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