"dont you break my heart, again"

I threw my hair in a bun piled up on the top of my head.

and a drank a cup of some imported coffee and i look in the mirror

and this is what i think and see:

i can keep dreaming that my hair will magically grow past my bee stings but it wont happen. my hair will forever be trapped about an inch down from my shoulders. ill probably never be able to head bang a couple times and be fine with how my hair looks after. when its raining and my hairs straight it will forever defy me and become a curly mess. when i go to a show i will never feel beautiful afterwards.im just a black girl. and thats the end of that.

i love my eyes. i have to say without my eyes i would feel like crap about myself.

my arms are a bit wider and my thighs will never morph to fit into a size 4.

and thats just it. i accept it and i move on.

thats what lifes about. accepting.

i feel that i give people too much. Before i even become friends with someone i already give them trust and love and more often then not they take a big shit on it. Its time that someone proves something for me....but at the same time i have to be open and ready to receive.

ive been thinking about kristin lately. i really miss that girl.

that might possible be the last best friend ill ever have.

i know that seems pretty unnecessary to say. i mean im still a kid and ill meet amazing people on my journey. but truthfully thats how i feel. sometimes i miss when we would spend all day and all night together. i literally spent my entire summers and most school nights at her house and her huge loving family.....i felt apart of that. sometimes ill look at my friends faces and know that ill never love them like her and that we will never ever have that bond. sometimes i want to ask them if they remember something but then i often notice that they didnt know me back then. i often pass those same stores we went into and i miss her. i really do.

Im listening to songs that fueled my hate and matched my wanting. Songs that maybe this time last year would bring tears of understanding to my eyes. and it feels different....underoath is no longer one of my top listened to bands and well i feel okay. i have really bad anxiety but i think im far away from the depressed girl i was when i created this blog.

i just want to be apart of something. and i want to know that im capable of being special. I want to be more than the girl who never wears regular jeans or the girl with pink hair. i want to inspire and i want someone to inspire me. like the paramore show on wednesday for example. I met a girl and we talked on the line and things felt good and when the doors opened she locked arms with me and well i loved that for some reason. i liked knowing that i was being taken care of and that a perfect stranger actually enjoyed my company. that i was touched.

this hurts me. i dont enjoy having people run through my life. not for a day and not for an hour. i dont want to hang out with someone amazing for a day and have them leave. you have no idea how that makes me feel. im sorry but i love too much and too fast.

i think i could quite possibly be one of those people who are never satisfied. i think that in my entire 16 years of living ive never felt annoying happy for more than maybe an hour.

sometimes i just want to be touched and talked to and i want to know that what im saying is important. i want someone to look at me when im stressing about careers, and college, and money and say "shut up, you can do whatever the fuck you want". i want someone to stroke my head. I want to explore with someone and i want someone to hold my hand. I want to wake up at 6 in the morning for school and smile because ive had an awesome conversation with someone the last night. I want to know that in this world someone thinks the sun shines out my ass. And i want them to be perfectly unperfect.

boyfriend best friend? i could care less. i just want to matter. i feel like i havent spoken in a long time. I want to speak to someone.

but overall on this day im proud of myself. this year ive grown. this year ive went to shows jumped around and screamed at the top of my lungs. i went to thinking that i could never be anything but dead to actually believing in another day. Ive left old things behind and right now....i think....but im not sure....i could quite possibly be ready for love. I think im ready to be.

my greatest achievement? music. i never knew that something could make me feel so good. i love shows. i love being apart of the crowd and i love letting go and i love watching someone do something they love more than anything. theres something electric ..and magical about music. music is magic and i think im learning how beautiful magic can be. and how it can bring people together.