ode to serotonin

sometimes i think my cousin krystal is permanantly 25 years of age.

that she will never be middle aged and that she will always be the girl ive looked up to.

even after a kid and being bashed by our family for being "too much" or a "street girl". ive always admired her...shes always been beautiful. shes hilarious and even now that shes close to 30 years old she makes fun of anyone and everything and is not a bit ashamed to call someones kid a dork. The first person i talked to about bleaching my hair was her because shed already done it about 30 times and the only person to show me up close what a nipple piercing looks like was her. and she wasnt even a bit afraid to pop her boob out in the middle of a very bright kitchen. She was the one who babysat me and put me in the back seat of a car going way to fast and way too loud. She is the one who really made me feel like a badass jamaican. with the beres hammond and various mixtapes with well endowed chicks in string bikinis and sometimes nothing at all. And maybe thats where i realized music could feel. Shes always been awesome. Shes always been bold and unafraid. the girl with a beautiful fairy and vines running down her back, with literally 7 piercings in each ear. she is me and everything i admired. she is and always will be my first taste of recklessness and youth. she is the definition of forever young.

and somehow...however impossible it might be. times passed and shes nearly 30 with a 5 year old kid with a boyfriend who has 2 kids of his own living in her mothers basement and working at a hospital all day. Shes still as wonderful....but not as reckless. I guess thats good. you cant always been dumb. but she was krystal. my krissy. and i feel like time has stolen her. and if you havent already become aware....i have the biggest phobia of getting old and passing time. And somehow i know that driving in her car like that and feeling like the coolest kid in brooklyn is running on a thin line.

you see..im a drifter.i dont believe in unconditional love. in reality i think if a person fucks up too many times then you should move on. I dont really pick up the phone. even though its easy. i have one minute or less conversations with my mom via telephone and i havent talked to krystal since labor day. I also havent seen my cousin since labor day. i never talked to sonia since like last winter. and its not because i dont care or i dont have the time. ive just always had trouble with that. keeping in contact. and sometimes i get afraid because im losing my strings. and my strings are floating away. but i dont really have the heart to grab them. maybe im mean or callous, maybe im being an oxymoron and i really dont believe in love and family. but i think im just scared. because as i said i dont like when people leave. i dont like being the little cousin chasing after my 30 year old idol when she has work in the morning. I dont want my cousin to return to his ignorant life after we just hang and be kids for a second.

but they are my strings. all those people. and kids like me...well we dont want to forget we have to relieve we have to be forever young and act like years have not gone by. so ill reach out this time because im scared and worried and in my manic phase. a simple text an apology for not calling sooner. but i know that some strings have already dissapeared and some i dont even remember having.

most days i try and search for something beautiful. i think ive been searching since freshmen year when i always held my head to the clouds and made everyone comment on how bright and hopeful the sky looked while listening to "hallelujah" by paramore and feeling lovely. so far on mylist i have music. some people were put there but most were crossed off. beautiful beautiful beautiful.....

i dont really know how to end that thought.