magic.

I'm at that common enjambment where the only question I'm asked is "what are you gonna do once you graduate. and to be completely frank half the time i want to shut my ears and run into the wind. run away from the future. run away from the answers i do not know. there are 3 things in this world i enjoy. Music. the English language. and philosophy/mental illnesses.

now the English language will always be an interest of mine. the words. the novels. the smell of old books when you fan the pages. Barnes and nobles. blogs.I love literature and i love words. English has always catapulted my grade into the B- area it likes to dwell in. but every once in a while one can grow bored of the consistency of being surrounded by it all the time.

back in the times not too far ago when i was at my worst. i had this huge ambition and goal to become a psychologist and help people. to save people from themselves. and i would own a huge psychiatric hospital where you are more than a number and a prescription. but like most things in my life...the energy has flown out of me. Just as some songs no longer bring out the creepiness and rage inside me. Schizophrenia and Bi-polar disorder no longer intrigue and fascinate me the way they used to. and also my father wanted to be a doctor and failed which led to the breaking point of his life and his eventual death. it is not that i don't wish to follow him. i just feel that if i were to also fail then i might take the same route. I'm over analytic. i failed a math test last year and cried the whole period because all i could think about was my fathers failure.

but music? i truly believe it is the one thing that i have found that is beautiful and open. photography is beautiful...but i know myself and the learning and money that goes into that turns me off. Music accepts everyone. true music isn't greedy, it just wants to be heard and loved. In the silence and in the open. Every race. I love acoustic. I love metal. I love techno. And even if i hate a song or an artist i love them for pursuing their interests. i love them for loving music. its a common thread.i can watch a dreadful band and still have a good time. And that's ...magic. how can we possibly remember the thousands of songs we sub-consciously memorize everyday. How can i possibly remember a song that played on the radio in 1998? Magic. take away the music and the guitars for a second. picture the first show you ever went to. picture the last show you've been to. you remember it. you remember the person who stood next to you. shit, you probably remember how much they were sweating as well. maybe there was a moment during the set where you felt invincible and happy. And you felt the vibration of everyone jumping and singing. And the lights changing...and the love. the magic. add the music. add the swaying. add the smiles. maybe add the dancing. and last remember that mental picture you took that night. when whoever came on stage and you swear they looked right at you. in your eye. and there was a moment and it was beautiful. even though it was hot. even though your makeups smeared and your hairs already frizzing and your wondering if you even look attractive anymore.even though you waited on line for hours to get in the front and somehow ended up in the back by the third song. its worth it and you would do it again. music is magic.Sometimes its not glitzy but magic it is.

i guess if someone where to ask me that dreadful question right now i wouldn't have a specific answer. but i might reply "music". not being on the stage. maybe in the back singing the words as i begin packing up the extra lights and taking pictures of the crowd as i watch the show from the best seat in the house. being apart of someones moment. providing the lights that make a fan forget about their worries in the mosh pit.Knowing the band and being cool because i get to be around them pretty much all the time. I want the grittiness and the frustration of being forced into new place, being forced to meet new people whether i feel like it or not, i want to know that my job is bigger than myself. Every single night i want to feel that moment and that electricity. i will be profoundly cool and young way into my thirties. and i will sacrifice my hygiene and my safety zone for it. its not a lawyer or a doctor. or anything conventional at all. Its a feeling and a dream and that's all it has to be.

**im talking to him for the first time in monthes. the conversation hasnt gone on long. but why do i feel ok already? why do i feel love? he sounds so different. like he knows he's in a bad place. he says hes proud of me and says im "doing my thing, becoming an adult" like hes been around when he hasnt. im smiling like an idiot. my hands itch to type words that i know will draw a dozen possibilities.he doesnt sound like a boy. and i guess i dont sound like a girl anymore either. why do i care?