it's almost like theres too much to say.
but nothing worth writing down.
Ive been taking the train home lately since my schedule went from leaving at 12:45 to 2:20.
i try to avoid the area since at that time it gets.....too much.
so i go to the train and sit on that familiar plastic chair . Transferring and everything.
I often tune everything out. New York's painted to be pretty. On tv and everything. But it's also loud and loud isn't beautiful at all. So i plug up my ears with some acoustic tracks and try to slowly say goodbye to this city that was so cruel and also kind to me. Looking down the platform and seeing the red lights on the train sides. Its almost like a path like it wants me to go somewhere. I always used to love taking the N or Q over the Brooklyn bridge. Kind of forgetting all the extreme bullshit Brooklyn offers. The perverted men in their outdated Fubu wear trying to imagine that I'm their age. I mean, when it all comes down to it, Brooklyn has been nothing but mean to me. You should see the way i jet out of school or avoid being outside whatsoever because of it. But back to the train, i used to go on that same train and feel hopeful. It was almost symbolic with the water and everything. Sometimes I would even put on an optimistic song to set the right effect. Because i was leaving Brooklyn at least for a little and it was like i was going somewhere bigger and better where i would be OK. Shit, that bridge was my best friend. But my views have their twists and it doesn't feel the same when I'm slowly seeing the light seep into the tunnel. Now its more of a goodbye. Were riding along and the beams of the bridge make a shadow over everything about every 5 seconds and its completly silent. But to me its very loud and noisy. Its water and new york city and beauty, then shadow, then beauty then shadow. Like its a message.
New York City will always be my haven. where I'm safe to wear my tutus and be in the right. (After all, its fucking New York and if i cannot wear whatever i want in the streets then every ones living a lie. ) Where i feel less abstract and a little more concrete. I can disappear and it will let me. But its not my time to be here. Its time to leave. I feel it in the way those beams sort of stand in the way of everything. The way New York City seems a way to familiar. The way i feel when I'm staring at this silly poster of California taped up on my wall. I'm going to escape velocity, free my self from all this crap Ive had to deal with for the last 4 years and find myself. And one day when the cracks are filled in me and I'm whole i will return maybe forever , maybe for a day.
and on a side note. when exactly am i going to meet a decent guy. I mean fuck, why is this so hard. I know they say things just happen but its been a while. Im still here mentally burning this picture of my ex and his girfriend and it makes no sense because its been almost 2 years now and i need something to move on with. I mean yes its vain but really? No legit boyfriend while im in highschool? Im probably gonna be 20 years old going on my first date at this rate.
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