for some reason Valentines day feels like New Years.
Sometimes I wonder whether it's human nature to want to be loved or if it's just the product of being fed with such bullshit. From day one we are all told that love completes everything and without marriage or dates or romantic adventures we are somehow incomplete. Sometimes I'll be on my laptop scrolling through my timeline and see something like "He completes me!!! or watch a movie with a wedding scene and a bride will babble "you make me happy" while the groom smiles in glory. Are you not a whole person without love? Where you miserable until you met someone that you actually gave a crap about? I guess what I'm trying to say is if we all lived without these high budget romantic indie movies and fairy tales would we still say that we were only half of ourselves before falling in love?
Is it human nature or bullshit? You tell me.
On one side I'm all for love and holding hands and really opening up your heart to someone and having that care returned. But on the other side I;m bitter as fuck. What the hell has love done for me? Shown itself to my eyes for a couple monthes and then tortured me up until this point. I really do want to believe in everything Valentines Day represents but I can't help but feel it's complete shit. I had one decent Valentines Day during my freshman year when my ex got me these two teddy bears from Hallmark which i know cost a fortune because Hallmark ain't cheap. And i got him candy because well I suck at giving guys gifts and...who doesn't like candy? I loved that boy. With his slightly bowlegged walk and long limbs. It was like a hand never meant anything more to me than something attached to your body but his hand was beautiful and delicate and we'd just sit in McDonald's, the same McDonald's we went into every single day until we got kicked out with our friends and stare at each other. I never really felt to pretty, I mean i guess i thought i was decent maybe a 7 on a scale of 10 but he made me feel beautiful. I'd ask him why he didn't talk to me so much and he'd say "I'm just nervous cuz you re so beautiful". I liked knowing that I could make a boy feel that way. I liked knowing that everything was pure. We were both fresh to love and he wasn't afraid to tell me that i was the first girl he's ever cared about. I loved him, I really did. I still think the sun shines out his ass and he still looks as innocent and adorable as he did in 2007. I remember every word he ever said to me and I remember everything we did together. So on one hand yes I do agree that love makes people fly and smile and laugh for no reason.
I just wish i could feel that way now. Just for one second. But for right now I'm settling for wishing love didn't exist.
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