here's the thing.

I'm not too much of anything.

Seems like wherever I go, I'm reminded that I don't belong. All these school functions that seem to flow by. Every one's laughing, joking....they say they hate it here but they don't. I know everyone hates high school, I know teenagers like to complain but I am not like them. I don't complain ever. But I'll be the first person to say that I hate my school. I hated it from the first day I walked in to that cold building to right now. So fucking stagnant. Full of people I try to escape, no refuge, no meaning. Just vacant people that I'll never know beyond a hi and bye. It's perfectly fine that I don't like my school but sometimes I wish I was at least given THE CHANCE to function properly. I wish there was an opportunity to meet someone new. someone a bit more like me besides these same people I've known for the last 3 years. I have a number of friends I can count on one hand. Take away the number of people I talk to outside of school and have real connections with and I'm left with nothing.

lets face it, I'm as lonely as I'll ever be.

and I'm reminded of it every time I'm taking the bus by myself. Every time I meet someone amazing who seems to disappear from my life. Every time a boy likes me but clearly can't grasp all the shit that runs carelessly through my mind. Every time I feel that bell jar just fucking looming over my head as I watch people function. But I can't relate to anyone and I don't expect them to relate to me. I shed a few tears about it but thats it.

I just have to believe that I'm worth something. That it's even possible for me to like someone. That I can be a friend to anyone other than myself and music. It's time to flourish. And even though my social life is complete and utter shit.Even though I go to this stereotypical 90% African American,undiversified school where I'm pretty much as weird as it gets I know it will be over soon. So I look forward even though the future scares me more than anything. I'm a nervous wreck, I beat myself up,doubt myself, and hibernate for weeks on end but I know I can do it.

But I can't throw Brooklyn under the bus. Because with every negative theres a small amount of positive. So it's downright oppressive sometimes for a girl like myself. Sometimes it's just too much, but we have heart. "we go hard" and we do what needs to be done. Loyalty means alot here, if anything it's everything. "Don't shed a tear because it shows weakness". "Don't keep your ipod in your back pocket because it's too easy for some dude to just snatch it". Protectiveness. Protectiveness and Loyalty will forever mean the world to me. You get fucked up then I'm getting fucked up as well. Whatever happens just try your best and remember whats important.

So here's to my first band interview. Here's to me doing things. here's to me having heart again, to loving people again. Time to go back to when loyalty meant so much more to me, but more importantly its time to FIND people who make me care again.

Time to fucking try.