nothing

I'd like to tell the person who said "life is short" that they're wrong.

Life, indeed is long. 365 days a year times the 92 years you might end up living.

33,580 days to live. Does that sound short?Not to me.

Of the days I've spent on this planet I've never done anything over the top. I'm just the typical "Cut a couple classes because I feel like it but make sure I pass the class anyway" kind of girl. Never took the city by the balls. Never kicked ass and took names. Never came home at 4:00 am from an adventure.

And that's alright. It's ok. I probably couldn't survive much of that anyway.

We give up or we carry on. That's what i've learned. It's not about waking up one day and feeling good and saying "i'm living" even though that's amazing. It's not about sleeping all day because you secretly wish you could die there like that. It's just about biting your tongue and setting your alarm. Waking up. Trying a little bit. And one day things will be good. Maybe not forever. But for a couple days things will go your way.

I waited a long time for the news I got this week. I thought about how i lived for this moment. How if this happened I could die and feel like I did the best I could. I thought about all the shit thats went down from the first time i attempted to win this news. Then I smiled and went along with my day.

I am now meeting paramore for the first time in august 4th in Philadelphia.

I carried on and a good day came. That's all there is to it. No blessing, No luck, Just perseverance.

perseverance is all we have.

I used to think that love was inevitable. Before that I thought it was easy, I thought it was quick. I now know that love is purely coincidence. Purely all about the actions you make in the 5 seconds it passes by your face. You see a person, you say something. That is all. There is no magical moment where they walk up to you, stare in your eyes, and brush your hair behind your ear. It's a shame they've led us to think this. I thought I was in love once. I thought I had my first love. The thing is that I did experience my first love and my first love experienced me. He experienced other things. I didn't and that's all there is to it.

Love lost.

But i still believe in you love, I don't know why but I do. I still think there's a part of me that can be loved. No, I think there's a part of me that can love. I just have to find it.

I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be naturally photogenic. I'm none of these. I close to two but not enough. Not enough. But it's ok. I just have to persevere.

The school years coming to an end and with it comes a blood red summer. Where anything can fucking happen. I just hope the summer brings more than heat and sweat and curly hair. Because if i can't be loved and if i'm not enough; I hope i'll at least dig deeper into layers and find a missing piece of myself.

-b