somethings are better left unsaid.

Dear World,

I want you to know that I try my best. I honestly do. I want you to know that I never asked for much. Never wanted my mom to buy me the most expensive toy at the store. Never took a single dollar from my grandma and never EVER went a day without saying thank you. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just one big joke. I mean all complaints aside, let's just be real for a second. Is this it? Is this absoloutly what life is exactly? Is it all just up to chance? The last couple couple of days have been unbearable. Either I hate everyone or I hate myself. I'm just so tired....I can't even begin to express exactly how emotionally tired I've been for the last 3 years. I'm officialy going to be a senoir in next year and I have absoloutly nothing meaningful to show from it except a crap load of posters, a couple ticket stubs, and music. Nothing. It's like i've been asleep. I hope to god life in genearal isnt just a continuation because if it is I will calmly walk up onto a roof and jump. 3 years is unbearable like this. I've already been to the looney bin once..the thought of living this way for much longer is just terrifying. In this day it's like if your not born into a decent neighborhood, with other decent kids, at a nice seemingly decent school youre fucked. Look at me....all I do is work my ass off on music. If i'm not at home then I'm worrying about getting home to write about a band. Or I wonder if i'm missing a tour announcement. And to be completely frank just thinking about it all is depressing. No one even cares. My friends, if I even have any honestly don't give a crap. I don't even really want to physically talk about them. I'm so mad and disgusted and dissapointed at them that I wish I could just be gone from them and let that be that. I have absoloutly no idea who those girls are. I do not know their favorite color or who they like or what they do in there spare time because I'm the random cool person who everyone thinks has a this rad fucking lifestyle. Everyone thinks I have all these friends when in reality I have none. Not even one. But still I try. God, I try so hard to be a friend. I think that's the worst part. So at the end of the day I hate them because they've never helped me one tiny bit in the time I knew them. Never asked a question. Never gave me a hug when I said my dad offed himself or i said I was in the hospital. Never came to see me even though I would have done it for them. I'm so bloody mad.... everytime I think about it I just want to be alone.

I have an interview for the internship at Working Group Artists Management. I should be so happy. This is what I waited for and it's finally happening right? How can I be happy when I'm still all alone. I didn't even bother telling anyone besides my mother because I knew they wouldn't care. But the fact is that I need someone. I need someone desperatly because honestly I'm a mess. I'm going absoloutly insane. Back to my days of hating every single thing. Back To banging my wrists on things just to see if I'm alive. Back to sitting in the silence.

I don't even want to talk to anyone right now. goodbye for now, my head is hurting even as I type this.Fuck