perservere.

I'd be lying if I said things were okay in my mind. I have no idea why but I can't keep in contact with people at all. Even my family. When I leave this home one day sadly I know my mom will fade away from me because I can't pick up the fucking phone. I'm deathly afraid of being asked if I still care so I run away. It feels good to run but you can never really escape the guilt. Same with my feelings. I can not talk. I won't complain. I won't say a word about how I feel. All I know is that this feeling has returned like a wall of fucking bricks and it's inevitable, hated, and extremely overwhelming. I just want to keep interning and keep doing a great job. I don't want to go back to school...and I know that no one does and I should just shut up and go fuck shit up because I'll be a Senior but to be honest all of that seems to far away from me. It seems like it's beneath me. I'm over it.

I feel like I've grown up so much since the start of this summer. I've felt things. I went out on my own and I started to change my life. No mother, few idle hours at the house, and a constant demand of my time by my job. I loved it all and things started to fall into place. I was terribly unafraid. And now it's almost like it's over in a sense. I don't want to go back to those hallways. I've realized that I just can't even with my classmates and decent friends. I just can't anymore. I just want to sever every fucking tie. I want to forget I ever went to high school and honestly it won't be that hard.I've hated these years spent in it's walls.

I've never felt more alone than now. I am truly alone. I have not one physical friend I can run to in this storm. That's not an stretched lie either...it's as honest as I can be. Me and my mom got into a car accident the other day and I couldn't think of ONE single person I could call as the police came around and I was the only one watching over my mom. It's a terrible feeling. It's truthful and it's real but it's needed.

But instead of complaining I'll try to carry through. Even though my head is pounding with feelings and my arms are incredibly empty. I kicked ass this summer all on my own. I've made every adult I work with forget that I'm seventeen. I've thought on my feet. Tried my best and have really felt appreciated by my co workers. I've learned a lot about the music industry and a lot about myself. I've gotten lost in the sound and felt a stranger smile at me because I felt every word and loved every riff. I've gained over 600 fucking followers on my music blog and I'm almost up to 10,000 views. Through all my weaknesses I know I can smile about this and tell myself I worked my ass off and got rewarded.

I got a fortune cookie today and it said:

"you emerge victorious from the maze you've been traveling in."

I needed that. This year is going to be full of stress and worry and sadness with college applications, college fucking auditions, and tests. School, and my internship, and vocal lessons on the bloody weekend for the fucking college auditions. My music blog which actually consumes so many hours of my day. Band interviews and shows. Trying to be mentored by a booking agent and most importantly life and all the bullshit and joy it throws out you. I'm not completely ready but I know I am prepared. I just have to perservere.