oh, little blog that I've keep on my coat tails as i swirled in day old self-reflection, betrayal, and the deepest suffering one can bear. The suffering that occurs in "one place untouched" and the hurt that can only be self-created. I pledged to be straight edge because I didn't want to be an abuser. I didn't want to become addicted to being high or drunk like so many others. I stayed away from it even when I wanted it....even when I needed it. Even when i thought it would help. I stayed away from sex and disrespect, slowing closing my legs as males poked and prodded with their words because I figured love was on it's way. Now that love has proven that it is not on it's way I wonder if it would have made a difference. In this blog I have written my hurts and pains. My joys and realizations.

I came home sobbing over a plate of rice. My mother is deeply out of touch with sympathy and feelings. She doesn't know how to respond when I tell her how I feel or I beg through my eyes for help. She says that there is a lotion that will make me feel better and she says we all go through these things. Suddenly through my sobs I said "i hate myself" in a clear manner of which I have never known. And I meant it....I meant it more than anything I'd ever said in my living. I hated the way I thought. The way I felt. The way I viewed things out of a foggy bell jar. How my life recycled things. I hated the way I panicked when someone asked me to go out and have fun. I hated the way I felt when out in public on my own. I hated the blood coursing through my veins reminding me with each pulse that I am tainted.

But I don't hate myself. I'm far from bringing my soul flowers and putting pansies in my hair. I'm far far far away from loving the inside and being ok. I'm just looking for something. I'm looking for someone to fucking stay for once. For someone to write me back. For someone to just know without me having to yell my thoughts.

I am looking for freedom from my mind and that is all I ever wanted. To feel light and floating. To feel loved. To be me.