I don't think this whole love thing will ever occur for me. It's all on me, the weight of it. the trouble. I want to be in love; to be loved and to love with no regrets or fears. Pure love. The kind of love that attracts endearing nicknames and labels. The kind that includes hand holding and first times. However there's no better evidence of a complicated soul than the one sitting in my chest at this very moment. It is a paradox and a liar. One that begs for love but is scared to pieces of it. I don't want to be someone's girlfriend, I like my freedom, I like my space, I like my loneliness. I'm deathly afraid of feeling trapped, of opening up, and giving in. I could date the 20 plus dudes calling out my name on the street, the ex-boyfriend that remembers my birthday every year, or the old man by the bodega....it would be convenient. It would get the whole issue of my virginity out of the way. Maybe it would cure the loneliness. Maybe I'd feel better. But I don't want that at all and that's exactly what I get. Truth is, I'm holding out for this guy that makes me nervous that makes that sheer connecting force, that attraction so strong that I can't deny it. Without that burst, that spark, I believe that we cannot go past a hello. I'm waiting for this dude to just love music and acknowledge one of my favorites. Maybe he doesn't love La Dispute but he likes Circa Survive. Maybe he doesn't enjoy Death Cab For Cutie but he respects Paramore. I'm looking for a guy that makes me want to tell him all the good things I have to tell. I want someone to know that I lived with my grandmother till the 6th grade, that I don't like cake, that I have demons. I want someone to know that the red dot on my arm is from a pretty shitty injection I got in the looney bin. I want someone to know that I never EVER like my nails to be all natural with no polish or sheer. I want someone to know that underneath all that distance and ice is me and I want them to love me.

I just hope it all happens. I just hope someone will love this faulty soul one day. I don't think I have the heart to fix it myself.

We are the lovers,

B