so over the course of my last blog I've managed to find out that my father never died of a heart attack or a car accident or any reasonable story. As a matter of fact he killed himself. Right in a hotel room a couple months after i was born. Seems my blood is tainted with pessimism, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety. I wont tell the full story right now but i will post it if you leave a comment. It makes me feel like that's how i could end up...or will. I kind of wish he had at least waited so we could have talked about these things. Although i know that if you re could leave a new wife and a new baby girl that he must have been on an edge for DECADES and i understand that totally because depression is a selfish SELFISH thing. you think everyone will carry on their lives and now I'm seeing the aftermath of that.

At this current time in my life I'm trying to figure things out. What choices i should make.

Should i REALLY transfer?

the truth of the matter really is that I'm extremely scared. I'm scared of regrets.I'm scared of getting old.I'm scared of turning 16 with out even having the chance of having a dumb party. I'm scared of regrets i haven't made yet.I'm scared of changing schools.I'm scared of not knowing. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of myself.

when i came home today i immediately filled the tub with hot water turned of the lights and took an hour long bath. it was weird and ended with me feeling dizzy, thinking more, falling, and waking up on my bed wrapped in a single towel....only hearing my heart beating through my ears. It was an insane experience.

but then again what isn't insane.