today i had Saturday school otherwise known as a waste of time and a farce show of effort.
i decided that i would do something. go somewhere.
so i went to the city.
because when I'm there in the crowds i cant think about all the cycling of my thoughts
there i can actually focus on things like pacing myself and saying excuse me.
but i didn't feel alive.
i felt like i wasn't there.

so there i was with two shopping bags in my hand and i was walking.
walking like a person with a purpose, but i didn't have one.
i kept walking and walking seeing all these people in duos, couples, groups.....together.
they had a purpose with their smiles and nonchalant strides.
and all i was doing was walking with my blue hair and my bags.
walking down streets for no reason. walking to no where.
walking to feel. maybe i was walking because i was trying to wake myself up mentally.

and i went home. walking not feeling much better.
i remember walking and wondering if my head was straight, all sarcasm aside.
half expecting for the girl in front of me to turn around gaze into my big eyes and call the hospital because clearly something was wrong with me.And a stretcher would carry me off again just like before.


I'm changing the name of my blog. i got live to tell from a line in a saosin song and it doesn't speak to me anymore. it will probably have something to do with the bell jar because thats the best way to describe it all. just like the book. me losing something of myself and being trapped in this place. where i dont really feel alive. im just there.

i get annoyed of my own whining.