please dont leave me.

Im going back to Miami on friday. My one redemption of this vague summer. I dont remember much about it except meeting two girls and watching tv on my laptop. Last time I went i saw an awesome band, took a picture with the lead singer, and ran the beach with my aunt who will likely never marry but none of that was so important to me. The balcony was the best part. Give me a balcony and a view and ill be happy. I love to sit there with my ipod and feel the cold wind brush my skin. Those are memories that i cherish. But most importantly im happy to be getting out of this house for a while. Its never fully clean and with the combination of my puppy and our general lack of clean freaks I cant wait to be in a fully cleaned room with a big bed thats not my own. Ill see that same band again (Jacob Jeffries) and maybe it will redeem this summer and clear my head cuz lately Ive been over analyzing. Oh and a hot summer fling would be nice but thats out of the question. Boys that im into never seem to give me the time of day but I seem to attract boys that make me cringe.

I used to go on vacations with my cousin all the time. We would play "Ding Dong Bitch" in the hotel hallways in our barefeet and crash the gym in the early nights. Sometimes we would just sit on the balcony and talk about people in the family. But were opposite now. After my great change sometimes i cant help but look at him and say "ignorant". He's reggae and I guess to him I am as punk as it gets. He goes to parties while i stand by the mosh pit. but im not going back there and thats just who he is. I remember a summer long ago where i went to Ocean city with Kristin and Imani my two cherished friends at the time and we threw ice cubes at people from 6 stories high and rode all the way to the top daring eachother to look past the edge but the best part was walking on the beach at midnight laughing and wondering if there was a shark 5 feet away. We walked to 7 eleven buying poptarts and slushies for dinner while my mom slept in a different room with John. Even though that vacation ended horribly with me cursing out john and all of us in a crying fit with security knocking at our door, I dare say that was my favorite summer. Maybe Its all my fault....maybe i just push people away. My mother names me loner.I love those girls even if they dont know it. Im sorry if it was but maybe im not. I cant say i never missed being 14.

Wish me luck on everything. Im learning to breathe. Because i can sense a great crash and plunge but for right now in this moment all i want to think about is a hot guy and a balcony.