"notice me..being around"

i guess theres alot to say about love. sometimes i think its easy and its just a matter of waiting but i guess there comes a time when the bitterness gets the best of me. maybe 6 monthes ago when i was shutting down i thought that love would save me. that if one person came along and gave me a reason to smile i could last. i thought that finally having a friend come to my house once in a while would make me feel loved and secure but it doesnt. i thought that maybe id learn to love and i thought i wouldnt keep feeling that void and that constant silence.i must admit i can be a bit of an introvert. i need time to myself and i need time to think. being surrounded by people all the time makes me want to pull my hair out. only child syndrome is what my mom calls it and on certain occasions anti-social is what she calls me. im in 11th grade now and i havent been to one of my schools dances or public functions and i constantly turn down party invites. sometimes the quiet in myself is too much to bear and i dont want to bum out the people around me

i thought that i wanted a white boyfriend because well thats what im into. i like the hair and the constant whip lashing. i like the music. i just find it all extremly hot. the skinny limbs and the I-dont-care-look drives me crazy. and i meet this boy who seems to match all the things i asked for but i cant seem to shake the fact that it doesnt feel right. i didnt go home from guitar center feeling that it was right, listening to bright eyes, or humming along to some acoustic song from anthony green. im used to a boy telling me im pretty and me smiling. but what do i know? i guess i take that back because my experiances on love are more than minimal. let me just be honest because this is my blog afterall. i have never dated a white boy and sometimes actually seeing a good looking one in brooklyn is like seeing a zebra in the middle of a street. so im feeling flawed and out of my league because here i am trying to look decent for you, trying not to turn you off, wondering about those girls on the train with their green eyes and long flowy hair and picturing you with them and looking back at myself and feeling really small. and its not me. i do not want to be the girl puking into a bowl because they want to be a smaller size or loading on a layer of make up because their afraid to be themselves. because im not.i may not say"shit i look good today" when i wake up everyday but i know im not an ugly girl either. i wish he would just say im cute or something because honestly this whole second guessing myself shit is not for me. because i want a boy to say im beautiful. maybe the whole skill of playing guitar and singing me something lovely can be dropped from the list. but a boy telling me im attractive just once? well i can stay single and i might be tired of being alone but i have standards...whatever the fuck standards are.

i got really off topic there. thats not what i wanted to say in this post at all. ive always been told that in order to love you have to love yourself first. sometimes ill be in the middle of a show and im jumping and screaming and everyones smiling and the girl next to me is screaming the same lyrics and ill just feel completly and unavoidingly alone. and its not because im there without my friends because most of the time i do go by myself. its just everything. its me not knowing what to do with myself. its that emptyness that not even a pill could cure. And its there like a fucking cloud every day every second of my life. VOID. VOID.VOID. yes, the depression is gone but i would be a liar if i said that i never stopped feeling like a ghost. like i was searching for something only i didnt know what. sometimes i just feel like im watching. while im on the train ill look at all the people and wonder if they are searching as well and where their going and what roads their lives have taken them on. and the silence is insane. and more often than not ill feel her hand grabbing mine....that same sadness giving me comfort. that same impulse to jump in the tracks. it doesnt last for very long but it lets me know that i could still be there and that shes not completly dead. because some of us find comfort in a bit of sadness and well i hope its false but maybe not every single human being is going to be completly happy with their lives and their strings and what ties them to reality.

i hope this is all bullshit. i hope that the void will be filled and i want to know if love is real. the theory and the feeling. forget the other person and screw the movies and all the romance bullshit that i seem to love so dearly. i just want to know that its capable to love someone despite all their fuck ups and flaws and to just love every bone in their body and every hair on their head because it makes them themselves and yours.