venting ranting.

theres a song called "take me home". i cant remember the artist but that song got me thinking.
the singer talks about wanting someone to take him home and how he cant make people see who he really is.

i feel like that. i really do. i went from hating the people around me because i was dying in front of them and they didnt hug me or know anything and i really resented them. to kind of accepting them because well....im stuck with them and soon enough ill be in college and never talk to these people again. to actually thinking and saying that they dont know shit about me or the person i am. this thought sort of occurred when chelsea had taken me to see sage(the boy shes trying to get with me) and she said something along the lines of "he's perfect for you because he's not all lovey and everything and i know you're not into that at all" and i just paused for a second and thought. that entire statement describes everything. I believe in love. thats a fact for me. god, maybe not. but love is my religion. and the fact that she thought that i didnt care for it kind of shocked me. i dont really feel entirely comfortable with them. me and kristin used to be so close. we'd walk down the streets sometimes and just hold hands like two little kids. and we'd put our eyeballs next to another and laugh because it looked so weird. eh i dont know it was just different. sometimes im afraid to touch them and i think they are in return afraid to touch me.
thats a weird thing to say but theres no other way to describe it.

im just kind of fed up with it.
im frustrated because i know for a fact that me and this boy will never go anywhere. that im afraid to touch him. that he doesnt really care. that he doesnt show any interest. that he doesnt talk to me. im fed up with my circle of friends and my relationships with them. im really just sick of all my fucking strings.oh and im frustrated because kristin is just another one of these regular Brooklyn girls now....with the whole huge egos and being conceited bullshit. sometimes i want to go back to be friends but clearly that road is burnt.

but really i think im just mad at myself because i question every single relationship in my life. i put it under a microscope and before i know it im ready to lose contact with someone completely.

teenage angst? probably. but this house is getting old. im tired of these same floors. im tired of the mess in the kitchen. the whole fucking thing just repulses me.

i dont really think i even care about love at the moment. last night i had a dream and a boy took me on a date. i'd never seen him in my life. he was average with this sandy hair and thick eyebrows. and i remember he had tattoos all over his hands. but it was beautiful. like colored hieroglyphics with birds and symbols. he just held my hand. and i remember actually feeling it. his hand was big and soft.And well i think i fell in love with this person.
all he did was hold my hand. and i felt complete.
and i woke up and suddenly i didnt care about love anymore.
because it doesnt seem to care about me.

i really just get so scared sometimes. and i wonder if ill ever feel like myself. I wonder if ill ever meet a decent person who does not leave me or dissapoint me. And i mean that.