I dont know whats going on.
Have you ever fell down from a high place...literally.
and while you were falling you thought of absolutely nothing besides hitting the ground.
its not a matter of being scared...or worried about the pain. its just anticipating the inevitable.
very often i feel like this. poof! in in school. poof! im at home.poof! its the expected but theres no true feelings in between.
i don't recall walking or getting onto the bus but yet there i am in my flesh and bones.

i am no longer a person who can be characterized as being someone whos fun to be around.

ive been avoiding mirrors lately.
i dont know if its because i feel as if ive been secretly rejected or not.
but theres always something wrong when i decide to take a peek at my reflection.
Ill spend the whole day listening to music that makes me feel beautiful, songs about falling in love on the beach, or putting your fingers through somebodys hair. and wind up in a mirror feeling as if no one could ever sing a song like that about me. my hairs not long enough, or my arms are too big, or my skins splotchy. or my lips are too full. errors,malfunctions, things that pull me father away from where i'd like to be. all pitiful. a contradiction to what people assume. i hate people opinions of me. either im on this annoying pedestal or something thats nice to look at but not good enough to know close up. people think im rich when im not.take me off your pedestal. trust me. we are all fucked up. and im just as screwed up...if not more than everyone around me.

I'd describe myself as a broken individual. ive been hurt and ignored. and lost comepletly. and sometimes when a hearts broken it grows back covered in dust and warped and mean. i spent alot of my time being angry at the world. and then i was open to it and it was closed to me. and now im nothing but a shell. and its not that im depressed. because im no where near as hopeless i i was..but im not happy. im just a physical state. im someones yearbook picture. someones old news. and someones used goods. people move and move and i stay still. i change my clothes. dye my hair and listen to different music but its all the same. im still in like with a boy who i dated 2 years ago. someone whos with the wrong crowd....arrested. shot. and now hes with that girl. part of me is saying that its cute, that i need to let go and this was the final push. but the bigger part is saying ive made a mistake that maybe we couldve made it work, at least a little longer. i think about things from years ago. i still hold on to the argument i had with a friend 5 years ago. i still have notes ive passed from 6th grade. and its all poison. it just keeps my heart chipped when wounds should be healed and new.

ignorance is bliss. it really really is. sure i was dumb and loud. just a typical brooklyn girl. just a girl buying whatever was cool...trying to find true religion jeans and finding good nike shoes. but despite it all those were the best times of my life thus far. pure unadulterated fun. and i lived. not completely but almost. the personal growth that ive gained is something im proud of but soemtimes i wonder if i would rather be ignorant then aware. i watch everyone in my school with their uggs and polo crap, and aeropostle conformist shirts. and i resent them all...because they are living more than me even if i sometimes think i am more of a person then they are.

enough with the disappointment, and the ungratefulness and the general lack of genuine feelings that seems to spread faster than an STD. just for a second. on the outside i omit this stronger than thou kind of personality. mental stability. self assurance. but i am nothing more than porcelain. porcelain that's been glued together and placed on a shelf.

" a whole house full of people but empty indeed"