i guess today is everything.
my realization that the world changes along with me. instead of me on my own.
maybe its the fact that my dvd player isnt working and its constantly stopping and pausing.
or the fact that im still loveless.
or my realization that i might not be as cool and pretty as i once interpreted.
so let me tell you what i want:

i want to go to prom in an extravagant dress. with tons of colorful fabric and lace and taffeta. And i want some sort of award or crown. maybe prom queen? im not even sure thats done in my school.

i want to say goodbye to everyone. just one day after school is officially over and just hug everyone one last time because i might actually miss someone.

I want to go somewhere because i want to. Board a plane and fly for a month or two by myself and discover if i can do it and who i am when no ones watching. Greece and France, Australia and Japan and everywhere that has been called beautiful. And i want to walk on the streets just watching people and absorbing the general newness of it all. I want to write. blog. put something on paper.

And somewhere in my lifetime i want to get in a car and maybe if im lucky someone will come along with me and i will go to every single date on a paramore tour. And go to a show whenever i want and not feel a void because im living.

Even if i dont get the chance to make any of this happen. Even if i end up going to prom by myself and dont win anything, even if theres no money to travel and i have to stay where i am, even if i never get the time to be the kind of fan that i know i am. I just want to push myself. Go to a campus where i dont know anyone and i want to meet people.

People that mean something in this world. Caring and fun. The type of people you think you want to be around for the rest of your life.

and ...