i found this song on another persons blog. but i think its beautiful. liisten to it while you read the rest of this entry

everythings so cluttered and old and unused. i would love to live in a plain white room with my paramore posters on the wall and a single mattress on the floor. and a huge window would be lovely. HUGE. just relax and feel the beauty of my home. i guess this puts me in the category of a minimalist. i like clean lines and metal. i love white light and lace. maybe this is just something everyone goes through. where your house starts looking disgusting and used like a 30 year old porn star. and you kind of want to throw everything out and scrub the floors and the ceilings. maybe its the longing to move away. im all together to lazy to even clean my room let alone the heavy demo it would take to clean this whole house...i used to clean religiously. then i was sad and didnt have the energy to even think about moving. and here i am...somewhere in the middle.

maybe its just a symbol.ive been feeling so ashamed lately. i type in my blog how much i dislike kristin and how im better off without her. but now im rethinking everything. i miss my friend. i miss how much she knew me...even though i thought she didnt have a clue. i miss the security. i miss being known. sometimes people in school ask me about her. i dont have the heart to tell them a story that i dont even remember anymore. so i nod my head say she's fine and walk on. im too ashamed to tell anyone this. it would make me...weaker. i know its silly but no one likes to say they fucked up. i just know that its done. its been too long. it hasnt been enough. im afraid to do anything else other than what im already doing. there she is in a photo. captured. smiling with some people i recognize. and all together i just know that i dont even know what universe she lives on now. maybe shes the same. maybe shes different. last time i talked to her i said "awesome" and she told me not to say it anymore because i sound like a white girl... idk. if shes still like that. the pieces will fall. i dont have what it takes to give it a try.

just everyone else that i used to talk to. im ready to fully evolve into something new. i want to start over completely.

so im sitting here listening to the same song over and over again.its funny how some songs can make you feel so beautiful. wow. one song can give you another face maybe even a different life. theres days when ill listen to a song and be a ballerina, or a whore, sometimes just a beautiful girl...simple as that. ive always wanted to be something other than myself. even as a kid i always wanted to play the harp. i wanted a swing set and a trampoline even though pretty much no one has a back yard in ny. i wanted to be a pop star, i wanted to be a figure skater, i wanted to be a model. i wanted to be someones dream. those things havent all changed. theres days where i want to be hayley williams. theres days when i want to be helena bonham carter. or nobody at all.

just please take me away. im not saying i wish to escape. or i need a break. but i love to learn. and im ready. i want to touch the concrete of a place over the seas. over the border. maybe fucking canada. and if none of that is possible....for fucks sake can i please get an empty room?

theres that electrical buzz in the air. you know, the sound the tv makes when you have it on mute. or the computer hum. im in my moms room with bella. writing notes onto my hands with an eyeliner pencil because im scheming.