where soul meets body..

maybe i didnt like the way things looked.

couldve been in a different direction. alterations.

i used to think time slow danced me away.

took me from jeans and nikes to a dress of ripped knees and band tees.

but i guess im looking back now on this figurative shelf of mine and i cant even bear to look at myself.

here i am thinking im super superior. that im somehow more diverse because i decided to open my ears to different music. open my closet to another dimension.

and now im nothing

i could be wrong, and i also could be right.

time? or did i throw the last blow and not realize?

i dont mean to sound inferior and im not throwing myself under the bus in anyway.

i think im a decent girl. i have decent interests. i make decent sentences.

but im in the wrong time. wrong place. theres no breakfast club of outcasts to take me under their wings and show me what my true purpose is. when it all comes down i think its just me.

"don't cry over spilled milk"

i do it any way. like the self-inflicting person i am.

just prode away. thinking about the good people that were in my life.

and wondering if i pushed them away.

3 years later. wow.

i guess its just because they ask me where im going after the bell rings and i reply "home". maybe its because she stopped hanging with me like she used to and im thinking im a boring individual to be around.

ive been listening to death cab for cutie for 3 days straight now. its all ive been listening to. ive been piecing the lyrics into my own mind. admiring some of the videos. theres days when i just want to convey that simple feeling to someone else and i dont even think i can open my mouth.

everythings a blur. i really cant remember what ive done for the past 5 days. and suddenly its time to hide my red hair in a bun and head to the full table for Thanksgiving at grandmas. i think ive just stopped trying. im really too busy thinking about things that dont even matter anymore. fighting the future even though its sitting on top of my shoulders. kind of wishing i had one person.

i guess it all comes down to that in the end. that one person.

even in the worst of times. where i really felt like that day would be my last and i was sort of interviewing myself and i started crying on the tape. on my bed. this same bed im sitting on now.

I had begged.BEGGED for one person to come along and be real. and genuine. and im here kind of wishing about the same thing now.

because when you lose you have to gain. and im looking back and it seems ive lost more than i can gain back on my own.talk to you when i can.

-b