feet first

well i just finished watching paper heart. at midnight on a saturday/sunday night and it got me thinking.

i saw past the whole love idea. i didn't rewind the part where charlyne and Micheal kiss and i didn't even pause to sigh and write a poem on my lack of romance. It was the ending that really got me. You know, the cartoonish part where charlyne is speaking to the police about taking risks and not being afraid to feel things because its worth it. thats the part that stuck. I kept waiting for some force to guide me and to make me happy. I'm too afraid to take chances and much like the main character I'm pretty sure I'm afraid to feel things. I'm capable of more than just surviving, i can actually live.and i might have learned that lesson just in time.

maybe its the good karma catching up to me but this week has been great. Little pieces of luck have somehow found their way into my life. I think too much of things so i take this as i sign, a sign that I'm doing the right things....that I'm on the right path. Yesterday at around this same time i sent an email to be an extra in nevershoutnevers new video in Brooklyn. So i gave it a try and went to sleep. And somehow between me sitting on a floor in jcpennys and looking at the pinstripes on a shirt i wanted to buy for my uncle i got a call. And i knew this call was special i could just kind of tell from the area code. So i answered and they said i was in. They told me the address which is ironically 15 minutes away from my house (same zip code and everything) and i just couldn't believe it.

But i think this lesson is going to help me out. Sometimes you have to give yourself a push and a bit of tough love. So when i get off the train tomorrow and walk over to the set I'm not going to doubt myself and I'm not going to let my anxiety or thoughts get in the way. I'm not going to let my mind wander and think impossible dreams. I'm just going to get there and be the best i can be. I'm going to introduce myself and stop being awkward and if christofer drew decides to chat with me I'm going to chat beautifully back. And if he decides he wants to eat something, maybe grab some fries, or fucking climb a tree. i will lead the way and take advantage of every second.

Theres a lot of possibilities in the time between sunrise and sunset. But its up to a person to take grasp of it all. Maybe my best friend is on that set tomorrow, or maybe ill meet someone. Shit, maybe christofer will say I'm attractive. Whatever it may be....there is a possibility that it will become real. But its all up to how you dress your mind.I want to feel things.

here goes nothing.