grapevine fires

there was a car crash.

it ran on a large scale and many died in more ways than one.

i kind of watched from the side of the road, feeling the same hurt as the car rolled on its side.

but i was still on the safe side while no one else was protected.

i stayed there for a couple days. couple monthes. years.

living off of photobooth kisses and belly laughs in my mind.

they cleared the wreck after the first month but i still stood around.

seeing it as clear as day.

no orbituary,no eulogys, as far as written word goes theres no clue for the rest of the world.

i stand.

even though the crash was in my mind.

i still stand after its said and done.

i think its about time i let it go. everything and nothing.

whatever it is that broke my heart. whoever it is that widened the gap.

i hear that if you try really hard you can force your brain to stop thinking certain thoughts. its worth a try i guess.

but i cant do this anymore. i refuse. i can no longer re-bandage the same open wound.

i cant keep looking at it. the flesh and bone.

i dont even think its one thing anymore. ive just morphed every hurt into some shadow. and that shadow likes to ride on my back.

its really time for me to find the other half of myself and on my own terms.

me as in myself. not some blown up fantasy of a soulmate.

im convinced that no longer exists for me.

love just kind of forgot about me. and i no longer mind.

time to dive. time to scare the fears. find whats real in the bubbles and cold water.

cutting my strings. covering my teeth. opening my mouth

there has to be real. i used to be scared to do it on my own. but ive realized theres no other choice and nothing to fear. nothing to fear.