when i awoke. i was on the highway, highway.

sometimes one tiny event can spark a fire in your mind and rush you through a memoir of your life. You see everything as more than it was. You reach out a little more for the details.

my tiny event happened during my lunch period when we they decided they wanted Chinese food. so i went along as one friend called in the orders and we entered the mirror lined walls of a Chinese food restaurant that i don't know the name of. They got their food and i waited for mine. After a while i realized that other peoples orders were coming and mine was no where to be found. So i asked Chelsea if she ordered my food and she replied no. So i felt smaller than i did before. more out of the loop. To be honest i was a bit pissed. So i ordered my food and dropped my tray softly on the table. I tried my best not to make eye contact and focused on opening my can of ice tea. I felt Amanda's eyes on me. Watching me, waiting for a reaction...and maybe i felt Chelsea's as well. I stared down at her fingers as she opened up the container and she said "I'm just opening it for you" and i waited and finally decided to look up for a moment. And i guess that was it.

but you know what? it really wasn't. To begin with i loathed myself for not being able to say "hey, that was a kind of shitty bad friend kind of move" and for continuing to harm myself before others. maybe they know this about me or maybe they observed this as i put my tray down softly and made sure it didn't make a loud angry sound. I just looked down at my fried rice and ran through all the times where Chelsea would be mad at Amanda or they had an argument or anything like that. And how not one harsh word was said against me. Like their was some sort of boundary. OR they knew my reaction would be stead fast and sure. I always thought it was because i was the cool new person out of the trio and for a second i liked it. But now....NOW? i loathe it. IT torments me. along the lines i think it changed from that to something different. Like a priceless painting in a store that you wont touch because you couldn't risk it. maybe not Chelsea but i could tell by the way i felt Amanda's eyes on my face and the way she opened my food. she had already known i wouldn't say a word. even for that small tiny indiscretion. walking on eggshells. she talked to me as if i was a china doll.

and this tiny realization makes me worry. will i forever be repressive?always an introvert? will there ever be a moment where my backbone decides to grow back?