i have to work very hard to entertain myself. To actually feel fully alive. I'll put myself at the top of a roller coaster just to feel something for a moment. OR ill cut a class to see if i feel that youthful satisfaction but most of the time nothing works and Ive just come to the conclusion that i will forever feel numb.

but music. Its something new and something real. For me, going to a show is like stepping into an alternate universe. Surrounded by all these people i would normally never be around in Brooklyn. Far off from people who are too close minded to try something they've never seen before. Screaming and dancing around just because i like the way the music sounds. I feel like I'm something and its sure and its stable. And i feel alive. Like i have no mother, no school, no tragic history, no trivial bullshit in the world to tie me down. Its just me and the crowd and who's ever on stage. And i guess somewhere along the lines Ive realized that that's what I'm supposed to do.

my moms really disappointed me. Shes made herself out to be this pitiful women that Ive never known before. I recently tried talking to her and it was like asking a brick wall for love. I guess this is why i don't talk anymore. How i cant say how i feel, or when i don't like when someones done something that hurt me. I keep it inside. maybe write about it but other than that it stays in my mind. i don't even know who the fuck she is anymore...

what exactly is love? all the good examples are in high budget movies and well filmed music videos. I don't think Ive ever seen anything like that in real life. All i have to hope for is dysfunctional "off again on again" relationships full of hurt and mistrust. All i see is beautiful faces with long hair and cigarettes but whats really behind that? Even after i thought i met someone who fit what i thought i wanted by looks i found out that there was nothing behind it. Just a one sided conversation. No flurries of euphoria no smiles before i closed my eyes. Nothing. So i guess I'm trying to figure out what love is....i don't even remember what its like to like someone and have them like you back. So the one thing i once believed is tarnished. Every things transitory and abstract. So far now I'm just on my own. Really this time. i lied before. i don't care I'm just chasing the wind and looking out for myself.

I'm focusing on music and writing. because for now that's all there is to say.

FYI. the never shout never show was beautiful. christofer drew is amazing. i dont think ive ever seen or met a more inspiring person.