fire away

its Christmas Eve and i feel amazing.

I guess its the anticipation of 2010. OR possibly just me getting older and finding myself but i feel at peace with everything. Almost like i stopped holding the world with my arms and let it go without even realizing. Things have different looks and shapes. Ive had this rush in my veins that propels me and makes my mind race. Everything has to be spontaneous, everything must be reckless and at the same time everything i experience must be beautiful. For lack of a better phrase i want to "fuck shit up".A while back i hated the world and i kind of hated myself for not putting myself out there and being shy and timid. I'd wear my zebra pants and bite my lip when i walked down the street because i wasn't confident enough. But somehow in the most miraculous way Ive made it. Or at least i feel like I'm getting where i need to be. Here i am looking people in the eyes and speaking without hesitation. Unafraid to be myself and i guess I'm starting to see what people see in me. I am special and i am different....maybe even odd. But that's who i am and who I'm supposed to be. Compliments used to run like water for me. It meant nothing. I couldn't even understand why anyone would look at me decently. I tried so hard to measure up to the girls on my computer screen. Folding myself into this makeshift scene queen. Running to hot topic to buy things that i didn't even want.But lately Ive been looking in the mirror and smiling and being pleased with what i see. Some days i like my reflection better than others but all in all I'm not trying to be someone I'm not and I'm content with that. Now i get a compliment or a statement like "no one else is like you in Brooklyn" and smile and say "thank you, i really appreciate that" and i don't flinch or roll my eyes after wards because i really mean it. And I'm taking the lead now. Going to shows and writing about music. Actually talking to strangers. Being in fucking videos haha. Now I'm the go-to for a good time. And this all just puts a smile on my canvas. It begins a line and a journey. For now I'm happy with this smile because Ive never had one before and i never thought i could.

So right now I'm living in the moment and taking life for what it is. Not over thinking it and not being a fool. Because i live in New York City. theres so many possibilities and infinite outlets. one action can lead to the next. Now I'm pushing myself....dancing in the crowd and running down hallways because that's what i feel like doing. Courage.

These are my arms. and my legs. and my voice. Even though they get weary and may seem ordinary and un-colored they hold a certain magic. I can do whatever the fuck i please. I can hold love hostage and pull my arms across my chest. Or i can become a giant and spread my limbs as far as they can go and hug the person next to me. Make their day.Become a giant

i guess when it comes down to it. I have courage.