introvert at best.

i can be quite the introvert. but that's who i am and who Ive always been. never fully connecting with anyone just filling corners in friendships and passing the time. And while i do admire the more reckless individuals on the planet; the free spirits,misfits,classy whores, maybe even a couple junkies. Deep inside i will forever be the girl who finds the most comfort in herself. I love going to shows and dancing around. Acting like a complete idiot and not caring. I admire people who aren't afraid and act as if they have nothing to lose. I kind of try to imitate that state of mind. But i don't think i have ever in my entire life met someone who didn't irritate me even by the slightest margin. Sounds harsh right? I'm really trying my best for it not to sound that way because there are paper proof people in this world. A lovely friend whose a bit excessive. An adult who maybe needs to look in the mirror and see if their reflection is still staring back at them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm an observer. Not on purpose but i don't miss anything. The way someones eyes might drift when you talk to them or how a person speaks when a spotlights put on them. How a person says your name. I cant help myself ha ha. I guess its because i spend so much of my own time exploring my mind my eyes get the best of me and wonder if every ones thinking and feeling the same way i do.

for a while i thought this was a void. This constant irritating feeling i got whenever somebody pulled a conversation the wrong way or spoke to me in a harsh tone. I thought that maybe if i met this wonderful genuine individual that i would know i was meant to stick around and not drift away. But i guess with age comes a lot of pessimism. Love is no longer this huge theory in my life. I don't sigh every time a good looking guy walks past me and doesn't even know i exist. I don't crash diet my way into the hearts of music driven boys in tight jeans who are clearly way skinnier than myself. And being lonely and wondering if real people exist isn't my hobby.

So i guess right now I'm taking life as it comes. Whatever happens, happens. If Its real then it will show itself. over this winter break Ive been lounging around the house. Tousling my frowzy hair, trying new things with makeup, and discovering myself as best as i can. Kind of appreciating the emptiness of the house and the comforting creak of the wood when i walk up the stairs. Because it may not be crowd surfing at my favorite bands show or finding something real with a boy Ive liked forever but for right now its good and it feels like home. Its definitely not ideal to some... but i need my space and i need my thoughts to echo back to me. I need this time alone.

not forever. but for right now