silly young me

sometimes i think this time is pivotal for me.
call me serious. label me a cynic. box me in as one of those plan obsessed freaks. but i speak truth.
my whole entire life i dreamt. everything. Most kisses, most trips, all those music videos i directed in my mind. Alternative endings. I mean theres days where ill literally catch my self in dialogue with whoever it is in my dreams and have to snap myself awake.
Ive had this reoccurring wish to go somewhere beautiful. just for myself.
some place where soul meets body.
somewhere where every time you open your eyes you could take a photograph and its all free. it could be something less picturesque as what I'm envisioning but i want to just spread my arms as far as they can go in my bare feet and feel that Ive fixed the compromise of the world.
all in all i want to capture that beauty and that feeling you get after you watch a movie or see a photograph, or you're walking home from a show. that moment where you look into the sky and you think "shit, this world is amazing".

yes, i am a dreamer. a romantic,hopeless,"never gonna get anywhere because my heads in the clouds kind of girl".

but I'm having trouble figuring out if this is something i want to pursue or something ill ultimately fail at. Yes, i am sixteen and still a child and maybe tomorrow i wont think the same as i do at this very moment but i know when things are real and true. and this wish i have well its real. I don't think its because I'm afraid to go and leave and strip my walls of its extra skin, the posters, the magazine rippings, the old fragments of my hurt. I am not afraid of the road and the air. I'm mostly just...

Afraid of myself. All these things around me. The endless death cab for cutie songs on my ipod. The blogs that i read speaking about simplicity and grunge and living. These indie love movies with the friends and the ironic love plots. They've become my downfall. I cannot make that trip on my own, and to be honest i don't think i even want to go alone. Because i don't have a sparkling personality and i just cant wing it. i cannot. LOVE. they say we cannot live without and I'm starting to believe it. and i cant help but blame this unpreparedness on this borough. this town. I cant do anything here and i cannot experience what i want here. The house party's, and the school dances, having actual friends to go to shows with. Sometimes i just sit here on my bed and i want to take the train to williamburg and just hang....but i cant think of one person i would like to do that with. and well...its pretty disheartening. And i think all those fears of growing up and finally being 18 stems from that. i don't want to grow up because i don't think Ive ever gotten the chance to be teenager. reckless. anything of that sort.

so i live my life through romantic comedies and i hope that one day there will be a boy who will make me feel that love is real and that i mean something to someone. i have yet to show anyone around me all the sides and meanings of me and I'm saving it all for this one person. but I'm starting to believe this person doesn't exist. Ive grown bitter and pessimistic. so i guess my bag is unpacked for now and my planning is at a halt. I'm tired of dreaming and i need someone to come along and take me to the next step. to help me through.