I've been listening to this song every night for the last week or so....

i hear the lyrics spill "this is a song for anyone with a broken heart" and I really should feel nothing. I mean when it all comes down to it no ones ever told me "I don't love you anymore" or left me without a purpose. And yet i feel absolutely bitter and broken. Even though i roam through the aisles of romantic comedies and daydream of the possible love fueled escapades it doesn't translate into my real life. here's a decent guy...a bit older, sweet, understanding. so why must i feel the need to tell him no before anything starts? why do i beat myself for even opening up that door? It makes no sense. Its really a contradiction but i don't see it stopping anytime soon. Ive been doing it for the past 3 years now. I just may become the Charlyne Li of Brooklyn. It could be possible that i just might have to fall in love with someone before i ever even try to hold their hand let alone call myself theirs. I just don't want to open everything....

things have been fairly decent. Seems like Ive come home late everyday this week. walking down Astor place and smiling as the piercing obsessed trendy teenagers of new york walk beside me, looking like i belong, strolling into the college library and feeling a bit older than i am, signing up for college media classes......as far as school goes Ive gotta say Ive been making it my bitch. I have all these plans and goals.

Maybe i feel free. I feel light and beautiful. Looking in a mirror and seeing past the skin and bone into the maze of traits that make me myself. Fuck, i am complicated. I can barely sort through my moods and the way they change. The way i can like someone and hate the sight of them all at the same time. how i can get a question and reply with a lovely answer but can never actually speak of my own will. How i am split between these two worlds. Jumping around and being amidst the hottest and most talented bands and still walking around in Brooklyn sorting through the mass of Caribbean American descendants and still being apart of both of them equally even though they are COMPLETE opposites. I'm really just proud of myself for taking this shitty high school situation and making the best of it....or at least trying.

it's come to my attention that I'm the weird girl. The sole "goth freaky girl" that this school has. How i look like a straight up goth...i will never know. I could spend a paragraph bashing them. These ignorant blah blah blah and still end up at the same conclusion. I would be hating my own self and my race. I guess for a while I hated black people. The way we acted, how the stereotypes were indeed true, the ignorance that i heard every single second of my life. But somewhere along this new year and this sense of freedom Ive learned that people will be people. Not everyone opens their eyes and sometimes they wont want to even try. I could hate them for not backing me up and for not walking on the boundaries of these opposing realms or i could let them live and do my own thing. Which is exactly what I'm doing. They don't know all these schemes,all these places i plan on going. They think I'm like them...that i will never leave. But I'm a free bird, i have my eyes on California and Boston. The world is bright the sounds are clear.

so for now, all i have to say is that I'm waiting to jump. I'm waiting to feel. I'm very close to that point, i feel it in the way i no longer stare at the concrete when walking down the street or feel that need to make myself LOOK more unique even when i already am. I'm prepared for it with my open arms and black lined eyes. I want to feel again. No, actually I want to feel for the very first time.