sometimes i really loathe myself. how I choose to stay at home sometimes even though I wish I was at a rave somewhere. how extremly contradictory my personality is....it all really makes me dislike myself. I wish i could just free myself of everything. Really breathe. I'm never relaxed, constantly writing to-do lists in my mind, always over-analyzing. I think too much. Nothing is ever simple in my mind, a movies never flat, i have to dig deep into every character, apply their problems to my life and take things out of context entirely. I go over the same shit, again and again.
Just for one second i would like to let go and really feel things. Run down a street with the coolest people I know or hold hands with a stranger. Adventure,I crave adventure. Sometimes i'll watch a movie, or listen to a song, maybe even hear a decent quote and feel that i can change things for myself, that it's only mind over matter. But somewhere between that mindset and the opposite where i feel completely fucked over in life i know the truth. I can scar myself as much as i'd like, i can look in the mirror and say my hairs not long and straight enough, im not nearly as skinny as i should be, or loathe myself for not being an outgoing spontaneous person to be around 24/7. but it really all comes down to this. Im in the wrong place at the right time. Theres not one single person whom i feel that i could grab their hand and go on some insane music fueled adventure. No highschool where i can focus on moving up social ladders. No insanely hot broding older guy who actually knows my name. Brooklyn, though its my home and love is not the best place for a soul like mine.My life is no Breakfast Club....not even fucking close. So as much as i periodicly psych myself up by saying "lets be postive, lets make friends" it wont really change anything nearly as much as i'd like it to. So i foucus on college and hopefully crossing that infinite boundary. But despite this, i still think it would be lovely and i never give up on finally unfreezing....finally feeling real. Finally being sixteen.
i really just wish i had some sort of spontaneous soul in my life. To grab my hand and make the trees seem greener or life a bit more grand. Someone who's a complete fuck up but has the biggest heart in the world. Who always knows whats going on, who's single, and how to get in.
Despite this. ive been feeling decent.
Seems like yesterday and today have been filled with spontaneous attempts to start fresh.
I probably spent a hundred dollers yesterday on a TWLOHA shirt (which i love), a TWLOHA bracelet, and 2 Jac Vanek bracelets (COEXIST) and(LOVE Is REAL).
i figure this will keep my hopeful, inspired, and always reassure me of myself.
TWLOHA...i bought for known reasons. Theres been several times where i'd go to the site, click on the help page, and debate calling the suicide hotline as i held a bottle of pills. I felt so happy knowing there was an organization that would acknowledge the pain.
COEXIST- i bought for two reasons. I guess being black will always make me the odd one out (in good ways and bad ways) if i really decide to stick with who i am and be a music journalist. I'm probably going to continue to be more offended by some of the comments people will make about my race. Im gonna hear alot of backless and completly bulshit "niggers" comments (i hate that word btw.) and maybe a couple surprised faces. On the other side i can benefit from it. Either way having that word on my arm wil let me know that people are people and love is love.
Love Is Real- im a hopeless romantic at heart but im realizing i dont open up or allow anyone to actually affect so im hoping this will make me give people a try before i banish them.
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