i've been hesitant to write because i really dont want to keep visting old graves and turn this blog into the mindless, desperate string of complaints it once was. But i cant say everything is right.
I'm on a break from school. Its a week. A week of sitting at home just kind of opening drawers in my mind. My skins a bit tougher than it used to be only because i adopted a "shut up, just get it done" policy when it used to be "care too much and wallow". I'm still mad about the same things, I'm still bitter, I'm still holding my head up to the sky and screaming "why am i alone?". The only thing is my eyes cant seem to spill a tear the way they used to. And i mean this in the most literal sense.....I cannot cry. No cathartic release of anything and what tears do fall down my cheeks feel cold and stupid. Here's the thing, as i woke up around my usual time of noon and popped in my headphones for a quick music wake up and came across "Niki FM" by Hawthorne Heights my mind began to take the dust of old habits. Just hearing those words and remembering how much i used to feel when hearing them and just holding onto the memories that one song seemed to grasp brought a whole wave of realization to my bed. I started making lists of thens and nows sort of crossing off things and seeing if the lines overlapped.
1. I guess last year i was hurt and mad at my old best friend for not coming to my rescue after i admitted to my stay at Holliswood and my dads real story. I mean, shit I really hated the girl.
Recently Ive had the time to see her and talk to her and you know what? Theres no hate but theres also no love and no feeling. Theres such a great divide between us its hard to say that the separation wasn't inevitable. But at the end of the day it just sucks knowing that for a second you thought that running into the old arms of a friend could warp you back into a happier self. That things would be okay and if they weren't at least you wouldn't have to go it alone.
I'm going it alone.
2.Friends that were clueless as to how i was as a person or how much hurt i felt. Sure we hung out everyday at school but in my mind I hated them. I hated them for not being the type of people i really needed. I hated my mother for not LISTENING to me when i said something was wrong. I hated my therapist for continuing to pat my shoulder and smile that stupid smile while i SAID i need help. Friends?? It is what it is. I have nothing left to say. Only half my words are heard and my respect isn't reciprocated. I just had to accept it one day. I had to accept that not everyone is gonna have a huge album of photos with wacky pictures of friends doing sleepovers and partying. My mother eventually listened, drove me to a hospital and hugged me a bit too much in the hallways of damaged adolescents. But there she is continuing to let me down. Continuing to show me that the human race is weak and pathetic. That we have not one caring vessel in our bodies. Illustrating that people truly think that sweeping the dark under the carpet somehow brings out the light. Oh, and i dumped my therapist......congrats to me.
its all the same. I'm just a bit more bitter and a little more careful. My heartstrings for these people will never grow or flourish and will remain as fucking stagnant as they ever were. Life.
3. There i was on the Internet...ordering crap off of hot topic and admiring these scene queens. Looking at skinny white boys with inked up arms and dreaming that someday my world would collide with that. That somehow my Brooklyn USA would meet something less ignorant. now? fuck all the admiring bullshit because those people aren't real. At least not for a girl like me. I'm still here trying to win the war with my grades and extracurriculars. Still looking at that poster of California sitting politely above my bed. I'm getting out of here. I swear that i am and don't think I'm afraid.
You see? Everything that made me crumble is exactly the same. Only thing that's changed is me.
But still, I still honestly believe that there are better people and places than this. I believe that there are people with souls more colorful and loving than what Ive known. Someday I will start my life and it will be amazing. Not now because its out of my hands and all i can do is plan my trip, save up money, and pack my brain with useless textbooks and theory's of dead men. Someday i wont have to close my eyes because I will be happy.
At least I'm hoping so.
everyone thinks they have me figured out. I'm lazy, too sedentary, i never want to go out. My mom believes that I'm too afraid to leave that i wont make it. I just haven't found the right time to start yet.
(end rant)
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