here's the catch dear.

things effect me a little bit more than they should. I'm still mad at things that went on years ago. I'm still thinking about a boy that easily erased me from his memory. My friend told me that im "too good". I guess I am even though i'm no where near as loving as I was before. Never EVER will you hear me say something mean about a person. especially anything dealing with stereotypes or hating a person for self expression. I'm all for Gaga and the gays. I'm all about co existing. Lets cut the bull and love. I'm incapable of hate. But everytime someone runs me down or says I'm useless. Everytime my mothers insensitive and ignores me all day. Everytime a female backstabs me after all i did was be a good friend, everytime people dissapointed me again and again and again. I got a little less sure of everything and everyone else and got more sure in myself. I'm now at a point where I dont want to be touched, at least not too much. My hugs are few and often half assed. I'd rather be by myself than with anyone I know. I like being lonely because thats what ive known for the most part of my life. But dont put me in a box because it isnt me at all. I'm a big dreamer and i love being in love. But after all the self-inflicting longing for affection and love wears off you don't really want it anymore. Sometimes things get too real for me. It's an odd thing to say but it's true. I like things to remain hazed and foggy just memories that leave no room for flaw. And many times love in reality is too real. All the emotions and hurt that goes on. So for me I love the idea of love and I like to read blogs on these life long romances and blooming attractions but I'm not running after it the way I used to. I still believe in it, I really do but someone needs to show me something because I've done enough chasing.

It all comes back to the bell jar with me. Breathing in the same rancid air. Sighing over shit thats already dead. Feeling that everlong sense of numb. But I dont care. I do and I dont. The point is I'm over it. I've spent many hours sitting in front of my computer trying to explain how i feel. The general hysteria of it all. To be honest I'm scared out of my mind. But I can't quite articulate it and I want to say it right.

It has to be said right and strong. I'm tired of weak words.