"blue skies are coming, but I know that it's hard"

sometimes the warm weather makes us aware of how chilled are feelings are.

My mom sometimes tells me bits and pieces of my father at times where she thinks it would blend nicely. Like when we were at the hospital and she said "Y'know you're dad used to work in the ER" or when I groan when my phone rings and Hayleys voice fills the room and she chuckles and says "You're dad would always make me lie and say he wasn't there when his friends called". On and on and on. Everything seems to come back to me, it seems like were exactly alike. Both passive aggressive beings who are liked but still pull away from the spotlight. Socially awkward and anti-social to the point where we'd both be predicted to stay home on a Saturday even when an invitation was sent. Even when someone begged you to live. Even when you wanted to live....YOU for yourself.

Over the past few days I've been angering myself. Here's my lovely friend Nerissa inviting me to these parties and cheer leading games. She wants me to take advantage of this shitty high school and take what I can from it. I appreciate it because that's the one person in my life who trys to unfreeze me....who probably knows I spend most of my time alone. And even though i constantly dismiss her and say "thanks but no thanks hun" I appreciate it. I really do. But i know we are two different people and I don't think she can grasp that our interests are polar and she's just this galloping horse charging through school and joining clubs and getting awards left and right but I'm more of fat dog that sort of cowers at the huge sight of everything. who's both pushed away from the crowd and self-repelled. I both don't want to be around most of the kids in my school and don't really want to hang out with people in general...

because people are disappointing and though on the outside Ive been told that I seem strong and self assured I'm probably as mentally weak as they come. Everything hurts me. All these wounds sting. People not backing me up and girls running me down. No one's ever bothered to stick around. So I decided that I'd rather be alone. Pick a couple people to hang with but always keep them a certain distance from my heart. I can't cope with heartbreak.

But theres only life ahead of me so it's best to use trial and error. Im predicting a shit loud of grief and worry. I'm predicting people with nothing to their bones. But maybe one day i'll find something that puts my mind at ease. maybe someone....