nothing matters, just tell yourself.

sometimes it's as if the word depression or suicide is tainted for me. I don't want to hear it and I certainly don't want to discuss it. It's like bringing up a dead family member in the middle of Thanksgiving. Every time theres a anti-depressant commercial, or someone says FML!, or does that thing where they act like they're shooting themselves in the head, every time a movie deals with depression I feel it. Sometimes I turn the tv off or ignore it but I always feel like the words pierce right through my skin. Like it's only affecting myself. I hate this flow of good days and bad days. I hate questioning myself....Was this just a good day or was it me being happy? Am i just miserable? Can I not appreciate a regular day? But as with most things, acceptance comes into play. Sunny days are deceiving they make you believe everyday should feel like that, and maybe it should but it just won't be like that maybe it never will. On sunny days you believe that things are over and that you've cured yourself.

During those two days I thought I could erase everything. I can but it won't ever truly fade. Major Depressive Disorder. what is that exactly? Disorder...sounds pretty transitory to me. But i guess in many ways it's not. Maybe that's why my therapist called me and tried to get me to come back. It's just something that's apart of you in the same way that your hair is attached to your skull. It's a fact. The point is to not let it become overwhelming to the point where you don't want to breathe anymore. The pit of depression. Don't let it happen. You're whole life time could possibly be this road where you keep trying and trying and see no result. But it's best to try. try until every nerve in your brain withers. I just try to keep myself within goals. I buy tickets for shows months away....first day of presale. I give myself something to look forward to. It sounds pretty sick but it gives me something to live for. I don't want the ticket to go to waste so I might as well live long enough to go. Thats what it's all about.

I'm the best version of briana now, then I've ever been.