i'm just so tired.

with everything in me I wish I could start over.
I try very hard but I'm easily discouraged. I'm the girl who doesn't persist after a boy rejects her. I pack my emotional bags and move on to the next one. I cannot begin to explain myself. I can spend the whole day without seeing myself and finally glance in a mirror and wonder why i look like this. I don't feel like I look like this. I love people but I can't remember the last time I said those three words to anyone besides my mom. I guess I'm a bit self-destructive in my own ways. Instead of sex or drugs or that search of feeling I stay indoors like a hermit. Day in and day out, the only light that I see is the yellow glow of a light bulb. Sometimes I get a knock on the door but usually I just want to be by myself. But i don't want that at all really. It seems like everyday I tape my mouth shut and stuff all my complaints and vices down my lungs. I try really hard I do. I sit on my laptop and look at these people doing things, living lives, at least having something. When I leave my house I'm harassed by the strangest men with the most terrible intentions. maybe it's my hair or something but I can't catch a break. So between being a loner and not wanting to interact with people who make me uncomfortable I retreat into my room. I try really hard, did I mention that?

Maybe if things had been right I would be living in Nebraska right now. With two parents and a house on a cul de sac or whatever suburban people live in. I'd have decent friends who meant something because there was nothing else to do in that desolate town but be yourself. Maybe it would be better. Maybe. I'm just so sick of looking at these things and these people and going off on tangents. Nothings simple anymore, "the lady crossing the street looks happy, she looks cool, I bet she has friends, I bet she has a good heart". I walk into Williams burg with it's hipsters and brownstones and feel so lame. All of a sudden I'm fat and ugly. What the hell am I wearing? I look like a poser.

Who the hell am I turning into anyway. I never wanted to be the girl who doubted herself but now I feel far from pretty. I feel far from everyone actually. I can hear it in the "briana I'm going to urbanize you today" comments. Even the people I've bothered to keep somewhere near me are miles away. even people that i thought were mirror images of me years ago. whats the point? I have no emotional connections with anyone. And it's lonely and scary as fuck because I have alot of love to give but I can't seem to find anyone who's worth it.

I wish I could start over. Not be in Brooklyn. I wish i could have a fighting chance. But it's unrealistic. I just hope that one day the wind will change for me. I've missed out on so many things already. I don't know where the last 3 years have gone....I could ramble on about these things forever.


But you know one thing? Typing this up I have some music playing. It's Desert Noises. I don't live for myself or the people around me. I live for the guilt and music. Most importantly music. I know everyone says they love music. But I'm in love with this. I won't leave my house for alot of things but for music I will find a way. It's such a beautiful thing. The best things in life are indescribable. I cannot even find the words to explain how this song is soothing my soul. It's kind of like it's patting me on the back and saying "you're shit out of luck, but hey, you're 20 minutes away from the hottest venues in NYC. imagine if that wasn't there". So I'm following this light because it will lead me somewhere. I have faith in music. I have love in my bones for the people who get on stages and chase their dreams. I know one day things will get better and if not then there's always a song.