Very often I find myself repeating "I hate people" in my head.Literally. Sometimes you begin to think everyone has pure souls. Maybe they're a bit bruised but underneath theres something real. I'm realizing that the world isn't like that. People are people.Some are shitty. Some are good. Some are both. Every things complicated. Sometimes you just know from the start that you don't have synergy with people. You just know that you'll never love or like them very much. You're emotional and annoying as fuck. Always talking and jabbering away. Sticking your noise where it doesn't belong. Trying to get into my niche.I may be selfish sometimes, I know it, It's my greatest flaw. But you know this music thing is my shit. I find these things, not you. I write about it, you don't. This is what makes me soar and honestly, I'm not sharing that with you. So try to refrain from coming into my conversations and telling people "yeah blah blah I go to shows all the time. my moms totally cool with it. I go on fridays. this is my shit" when you know it's a big farce. I don't care if you're annoying or if we barely know each other after all these years just never do that again. And the other one, you're just a lack of synergy.You try your best but I cant help but still harbor remorse from all that shit last year when i needed a friend when i was on the edge and you never came around.
I used to hate them for all these things. But there's no progress in that. There's no synergy, no connection. We can be on break from school for 2 month's and never speak to each other once. Friends? But I'm learning that it's ok to drop standards. I've stopped trying to form them into my best friends when they just won't mesh. I'll meet someone real nice one day and it'll be like I've known them my entire life.
All I care about is trying my best, winning the war in my mind that's constantly in battle, and music. I've been going to about 3 shows a month nowadays. which might not seem like alot to some but it's progress. For every shitty week where i'm wondering if there's a point there's a show that let's me know I have to see this through. There will be better days. Because if things go the way I plan I will always be gone. I will forever sell my soul to the road. Every venue will be home. So i work now but I know someday I'll be as free as a bird. And i'll leave with no tears in my eyes because it won't be hard to break these bonds because their so weak.
I will be a tour manager or a music journalist. If i have to fight my self-doubt every five seconds then I will. If I have to pull myself out of my comfort zone and actually try I'll make it happen.
But this is what will set me free and there's no enemy but myself. Total Brutal till I'm Dead.
Total Brutal- If you feel like moshing then mosh.If you feel like dancing like a total loonie then no one's stopping you. focus on the music. don't worry about being cool. you have nothing to lose.
live for the music. i like the last bit & i totes believe in that. when you're at a show just go in there and dance your feet off. i love that feeling, not giving a shit and feeling alive and feeling so ridiculously content out of your mind. that's the best.
ReplyDeleteoh, and you are a lovely person and i know its hard loving yourself that is something i've been struggling with the last 18 years of my life but you are a brilliant person and maybe i don't know you personally but even with the scars, even when you hurt you are beautiful. but you have to believe that for yourself. <3
p.s oh and about my recent entry, yeah it is incredibly annoying. it pissed me off a lot when my friend said that it was a huge WTF.
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