My birthday was so many things.
More than half the time I simply felt like crying my eyes out. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed I didn't want to celebrate at all. I just wanted to hibernate. And I cried for many things, many stupid things, but then again i guess little things make one big thing right? I cried because I was alone.I cried because I'm still alone after these 3 years.I cried because I got over 100 "happy birthdays! :)" on my twitter and facebook and still wondered why I felt so fucking alone. I cried because it was raining outside.I cried because I just didnt give a crap. I cried because I don't have a boyfriend STILL! I cried because this boy bought me all these gifts and wrote me this sweet card and I don't like him at all. I cried because my mom put so much effort into making my birthday into something and I didnt care half as much as she did.
We set up this small bbq at my older cousins house. My mom spent cash loads of money on liquor and food. But still barely anyone came. My grandma is so caught up in her aging process she doesnt even want to leave the house. But then again my family is so broken up and shitty right now that i must have imagined I had more relatives then I did. My friends did their best although nothing seemed to change. still i felt that bell jar, still i felt that void between us even as we laughed. My cousin, Moses came and took a big shit on everything. The whole day I felt this lump in my lungs, I felt that little sting of tears waiting to fall and he just came and made everything flow.
I know we've changed or at least I changed. I know i'm the odd one out. I know people constantly joke about me and ask me whether or not im an oreo or an all out fucking saltine or whatever the fuck they talk about. But mostly everyone just accepts me. I am Briana, a bit tainted and fucked constanly changing my hair or buying leapard jeans.They know it. But he walked into the house barely acknowledging my presense,not even saying happy birthday, not bothering to touch me. I said fine he's shy I'll let it be.I even remained cool when i went to talk to him and he gave me silence and disgusted looks. After we cut the cake and I realized that none of my boy cousins were around I tried not to dwell on it. I even tried not to be angry when I went downstairs to get him and was greeted with blood shot eyes and big smiles. I remained calm as he came out of some foreign car doing who knows what. I was mad but you know what? I didn't fucking dwell. But when he asked me what was wrong and I said he wasnt there when i cut my cake and he said "so what" I felt like stabbing him with my bare fingernails. I didnt even want to look at him anymore. He instantly became shit in my eyes. I wondered why he even bothered to come. I tried to think about our connection. I started to see what an ignorant selfish little fucker he is and it was too much. I cried the whole car ride home. I cried until my eyes turned as pink as my hair. And I kept crying because I knew no matter what we were done. I knew that even if i cryed right in front of him, showing my weaknesses he would still laugh in my face.
And that was my birthday. I'm glad it's over. I'm happy to move on to mothers day and love up on my mom who ALWAYS goes out of the way to give me a proper birthday even if it's embarrassing or a little too much. Without her i'd be nothing. I put her through a lot of shit with my depression and my overal "wet blanket"demeanor so today is her day. And after 17 years I reluctantly realize that no one knows me like my mother. She doesn't understand me or get the gallows that my mind can climb into but she knows and that's enough.
and on a side note. fuck drinks and weed. fuck drugs in general. I might be fucked, and shit i'll admit maybe i could use a spliff or two but i've never once seen it do any good. I'm not touching that shit. Call me striaghtedge but it's just not for me.
I'm so tired it hurts. Please tell me it's okay.
Where am i to go when my family becomes broken? What am i supposed to do when I can't think of one friend whose ever helped me through?
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