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Everything I feel is deep. Everything is urgent and necessary. All emails must be replied. All decisions must be made. All plans must be set.

Through everything I've had to support myself on my own. My mom has helped me the best she can but at the end of the day she has no idea how many emotions I feel or how many thoughts travel across my mind in a day. She has no idea what I feel. I used to care too much. It's like everyone was my worst enemy and even more than that I felt betrayed because I believed in what I had seen and been told. I believed that we were all given a good pack of friends who became your back bone.

But at this point I have completely lost every bit of empathy I once had. It's no longer a farce or something I say and then don't mean. I really don't care for anyone. I have not one friend on this planet and it's more clear then ever. It's not so much of a depressing thing...it's just a fucking fact. It's another thing to sigh about. Another thing to think about everyday. It would have been nice to have a friend I could call up and talk to about my first day at work. It would have been pretty sweet to know one soul who asks me what I'm listening to nowadays. IT would be spectacular for just one second in my life to know somebody who would take me to a show rather than me going it alone. On the other hand I no longer play the blame game because I know I am by no means this perfect open hearted creature. I'm bitter and cold. I show no bruises and leave no openings for any sign of defeat. I can go months without even calling anyone. I'm a loner and that is all.

If I were to say everything on my mind at all times I would be insane. I feel like I can't even say how I truly feel on this blog because it just wouldn't seem right. I hate that I can no longer talk to anyone. I hate that even the mere thought of a date let alone a relationship scares the shit out of me.

I just can't sometimes....that's all I can say and I feel like crying but not one tear will fall from my eye.

I can't even pick up the phone. I can barely remember anything. I've faded so far away from everything . Every ten seconds I feel like screaming "I hate everyone".

I just want to be free.