I need you to know that this is life or death for me. I need you to know that this is real. It's a hard thing to explain because everyone on this planet likes music...even just the tapping of their foot on a sidewalk but to me it's so much more. It's inevitable and real. I don't understand why everyone doesn't want to do what I'm trying to. Why everyone doesn't dream of going out on tour or being a roadie or grabbing a mic.Music is the end all...nothing before it. NOTHING. I will choose music over people again and again. I will go broke for it again and again. I love the way a breakdown makes me feel like I'm more hardcore than I'll ever be. I love the way it helped me grow up, get over, and get real. I love the way that it's completely risky but I think it's much more than that.
To me, there's something special about a group of kids who love music so much and dream hard enough to get on a stage and wait for judgement. I respect nothing more than that. The bravery and the relentlessness of it all. So when I write about a band and I feel the riffs running through my veins and I can almost feel the odd comfort of being lost in a crowd and decide to post what I wrote on some band's wall and a band replies and thanks me like I'm fucking Alternative Press it really resonates with me. Like I'm as big as it gets. "Thank you so much" they say. "We really appreciate it" they add. Sometimes they find me on facebook and send me a message. It makes me feel so good. I can't even describe it. I just feel like I can really do this and I feel like this is the right path.I feel like I'm a small piece of something much bigger and I feel like one day I can be someone that I would look up to.
And even though I'm the leper and the weird one. Even after I'm cast aside as something that's good to look at but not cool enough to know, I'm ok. Even though I've been called "grimy", "insane", "a piece of work", "difficult", and rejected silently I know it's ok and I'll be fine. I am a piece of work.....I really am. But only if you're not in love with music. Only if you don't feel what I'm feeling when I listen to a good band. If you don't take a listen to this new amazing band that no one's ever heard of and not feel like you're high on life then fuck yeah I'm difficult. I will always ALWAYS put music before anything. So fuck the prom, the trip, the meetings, the bullshit facebook albums and the shitty good byes because I'm ok. I have never EVER been so proud of myself. I've never been this in love with something. I feel it so much I want to cry sometimes. It's all the confidence and the love that I could ask for. It's my reason for living and because of that I will always put it first.
And even after all those words I still can't fully describe how passionate I am about this.
I've learned in the past few months that you have to follow your heart and you have to be brave and terribly unafraid. Most importantly you have to let go. You have to let go of people, and places, and the balloon you managed to let fly away a long time ago. It's so very important. It's a sad thing to miss someone and feel so insignificant in their life and to know that they aren't thinking about you for one second. I think thats the real hurt in my opinion. Music is the one thing that I never have to let go and I know it will never let me down.
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