sea of love // Cat Power

There comes a time when you just decide to throw caution to the wind. I guess that time for me is now. Never before have I been so reckless....at least in my mind. My hormones are like a bomb in a bird cage. I want to be free. I believe in free love. Where did this all come from? I used to be judgemental...used to sigh in disgust as girl after the next unintentionally told me of their escapades, regrets, and unraveling. I took pride in my innocence. I still do it's just different. I just no longer care. I believe in following one's heart and if your heart tells you to fuck a stranger then go right on ahead.

There's a guy. And I think I like him a bit...nothing serious just a bit of lust. I like being older and I like being the one in control a little. I take pride in knowing that I can in fact make boy shy and nervous. When he came up and told me I was gorgeous while I was sweaty and still hot from gym class i was taken aback. I think that was the first time I actually stopped to look at him. The thing is that he looks just like an old old flame of mine. The same boy who harbored my mind for years...but better, hotter, more mature and it drives me insane. He looks at me sometimes.....like really looks at me and very often I look right back and we're just there staring at each other for what seems like forever and suddenly I know there's something there. I feel like being risky and dragging him into a staircase somewhere. I feel like knowing what he's thinking. I feel like getting him alone. This guy has no idea what he's getting into and for once I really don't care to explain. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, a friend, or anything more than what I already have. I only see him twice a week which is probably best. I don't want him to know me and I don't want to be attached. I just want to kiss him....and for me this is a complete revelation because I was never the type of girl to think that way. I haven't even told a soul, I think I'm just going to make a move because I have nothing to lose.

And I'm happy to feel risky and dangerous. Proud to be a blooming teenage dirt bag. Suddenly older guys are a turn on, suddenly that guy across the court is fucking hot, and I want to live and breathe and feel. I want to go to Italy and I want to tour....I want the open road. Best part is that it's okay and it's alright and that's all I want.

-b