On this particular day I realized that there was a point in my life where I talked all the time. There was a time where I didn't have anxiety attacks and there was a point where I was ok.

But now, I'm a completely different animal. I can't function with people. I cannot talk. I cannot say how I feel. I nearly died the other day when I was forced to this random party thing with my mom.

I guess that's where I'll start off...

I feel bad for my Mom a lot of the time. Although she likes to act like this is just me being angsty and moody I know that there has to be days when she just looks at me and sees my father and just fucking knows. Like she pity's me and I feel as if I deserve the pity. I rely on my mom to fix everything because she's the only person that knows....she's the only person who took me to the hospital and saw me in the rooms and held me when I cried until I threw up. I come home at around 7 pm on the weekdays....hungry, tired, and fucked from a day that most of the time is nothing but exhausting. I grumble words at my mother. I don't clean anything......I can't be helped. It's not even that I'm lazy....I just can't find the motivation or the energy to help or clean. I abuse her because I hurt, I hurt so much.

I love her more than anything. I just wish she had the kind of daughter she deserves.