There are good things.
Like when I have a ticket to one of my favorite bands and not a thing on this fucking earth, not a demon, or an insult or a fire bred assault can hurt me. Tarnish me, lower my stride in anyway because I have a purpose. I buy my music and I support my New York City scene.
Music is ultimately everything. It is the reason why a band from Grand Rapids, Michigan can literally penetrate my mind until I know every song and beg for more. It is the reason I am able to sit and listen to them everyday forever for two months straight and NEVER think about moving away. It is the reason I tip that merch dude and why I always tell a band that they played well even when they sucked because they care. It is the reason I made those girls stand up and not sit down at the show. It's why I spent my last $5 to my name on a cd for a band I know nothing about because I know it could mean the difference between them getting gas or eating for the day. It's the reason why my friend fainted and I cried not for her but for the band's I missed. It's the reason why I said "we're home" as we pulled up to Warped Tour.
I am nothing but flaws. I hate socializing, I'm not the "lets get fucked up just because it's fun and I'm young kind of girl". I am the "well these are the pros and negatives, am I doing myself a disservice? I wonder where I'll be in the future" kind of gal. But none of that really matters. My brain moves so fast sometimes my head aches from all the thoughts and worries. I run away....both literally and physically from conflict. I am the anti-christ of a band manager, someone who HAS to be the shell, the backbone, the cool kid for a band. But it's what I want to do. I hate the idea of going to a venue and talking to some hugely inspirational dude with a cool face on about their latest album.....my nerves fucking shred. But I do it. And in that same way that I hate it I adore it because I know it makes me better and I know that NOTHING and no one can make me feel as good as "insert band name here" does.
I am failures// I am the strongest
No one buys their music but I do. I know more about bands than anything else. I find myself telling people what band's a singer was in before he got on stage or where they're from. I absolutely adore it. My god, I feel bad for people without passion.
Sometimes it hurts to walk on the sand in the sun. Every step burns and it's funny at first because you're jumping and laughing with your friends but then it just burns and you feel so fucking low and desperate. But that fucking idea of an ocean and water pulls you through even though you can't see it. You KNOW it will be there as sure as you know that you're shoe will be in the floor of your room when you get home. Finally you reach it and you remember the pain but it's so small and tedious of an idea now. Music is just like that for me. Only the sand is my life and flaws, my father, my hurts, and just me in all my ugly truths and I think you already know what the ocean is.
And on a side note, in some WEIRD way I got into Baruch College. Which is like my #1 school behind NYU in the city that has a major for music business. So in that respect things worked out. I was shocked at first but I refuse to believe that I have this much passion and vigor in my soul for nothing. I can't possibly do as much as I fucking so with a smile, unpaid, and unrespected for nothing. Karma matters. A lot of people say it's a dumb major...the TM's, the industry people, and even the fucking band's say that it's useless. You should get a communications, or a business degree, fucking LAW! (the death of me) but I don't believe it for a second. I know exactly what I want, what I am capable of, and where I will be. I am not undecided or flimsy. I will NOT change my major and I will always want this. I cannot fucking wait to be happy, and meet people who fucking care about music as whole in my own city. I cannot wait to fall in love with someone who is in love with the same thing I am in love with.
I cannot wait to be happy.
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