i spent the last few days trying to feel.

i agreed to go to six flags with my friend nerissa, her boyfriend, and his two friends. just hopped on a bus on a saturday in august. im not a thrill seeker in nature, i dont enjoy adrenaline rushes. They thought i did. "Daredevil!" is what they called me. I got online for a rollercoaster that sailed into the sky. So high that you could see the tops of trees laying miles ahead of you. And you were completly helpless. Just the clicks of the cart to soothe you. And we took a dive so fast and sure, im positive it could take you to hell. And as we went down i felt profoundly scared. And i loved it. I need to feel something. Even if its fear or helplessness. I need to feel things even when they dont last.

tonight i went to see 500 days of summer with my mom. It's a movie ive wanted to see since before it even came out. I do not believe in anything but love. Its fascinating and beautiful, honest and pure. There is no sin in love. I'm Tom...right down to the bone.

Ive been single for almost 2 years now and i need to believe love exists. The kind of love i think can save my life. Or at least my mind.

nerissa asked me if i was ok about 20 times while i was with her. I never gave an answer back because i dont really know the answer.


Fuck.
Simply.
Fuck