my thoughts are sharp as knifes. and they race from side to side. it's fast and repeating and my head feels like a million pounds. I'm struggling to contain them. Censor them. but they keep going. Bad thoughts.

I'm scared of my thoughts and my mind and i want to scream.

i lay down in my mothers bed and search for something interesting. Along pops another program i shouldnt be watching. Another story line of lithium and prozac. And im even more worried. Bits of memorys and feelings explode. I want to read my dad's letter.

As the movie is about to end and the last letter is read on the black screen the moan of the car garage shakes me and i change the channel before turning of the tv and walking down the steps.

I want to yell at her. FOrce her to help. Force her to care. Make her ask me how i feel. Why my hands are shaking. But she strolls in, points to a pack of folded laundry and tells me to bring them upstairs. She sings and i manage a "hi". i feel the tears forcing their way out. Punching the back of my eyes. But i say nothing. And go back to my room and look at my wall at the 5 faces that stare back at me. They dont smile and i dont know what that means.

i dont think ill be posting for a while. shouldnt matter because no one reads this blog.