whats wrong?

more often than not i feel like a complete loser.

there i am leaning up against a wall. walking home by myself for the millionth time.dreaming.

reaching. there briana is again.......she's reaching.

i reach out for people sometimes and more often than not they ignore me.

i reach out so much and far. sometimes i grab people i dont even know. from the internet or the fanclub. from anyone who will return a smiley face.

i feel strongly. i take little images and piece them together and before i know it im mad, or in love, or lust, or so sad i cant look outside.

some people can make it on their own.some have to be forced and others dont really have a choice. i have to be forced. but i can do it and without a problem. I can find my way home from pretty much anywhere in this city. i survive. sometimes barely. but i do.

sometimes i feel like i dont have a friend in the world. that ima mute. Ive never spoken up. i just took the worst news stored them up and went on to the next day. I always let the the other girls run over me...i always felt horrible when i slipped up and i was shunned for a day or a week or until i apologized. i used to talk. i used to talk so much to kristin and she would simply nod her head and roll over and sleep. And after a while i turned over to and shut my mouth. I want to tell people things but they are harsh. REALLY HARSH.

everyone pities themselves. every once in a while. today's the day that i pity myself.

for dreaming and dreaming of some musician boy to come find me and we fall in love and every things OK.for OBSESSING over love and reading books and watching movies that make me feel more lonely than i already am. for hoping that some guy like Christofer Drew would find the beauty in me.for hanging out with people just because i have no one else to hang with anymore. for doing nothing but devoting what little empathy i have in me to paramore. for being lonely. for sitting in my room and being scared as the TV reads that its already November and Ive accomplished nothing. for staring at my dads photo and having no clue who that person is.

i always swear that i know exactly who i am. but for once I'm putting up a white flag and hiding because i really don't. i know that i like music and that pretty much sums up everything.

I remember when i told kristin about my dad after things were close to being diminished. And she said "omg omg....briana""im so sorry" and i felt like in this world i had someone who cared about me.i felt like this could fix it, that we could go back to being best friends. but she only went half way and things never changed. because i was determined and i wanted some perfect human being to be my friend. to care. i think i just wanted myself. or at least someone who cared half as much as i did.

i mean Jesus, sometimes i look at all the people around me and i get sick of it. unappreciative and uncaring. half caring. but i keep trying....i help the girl next to me memorize her speech before she goes crazy, i give pop tarts to someone who claims that they could die of hunger, i accidentally give a guy on the street 23 dollars instead of 3...and i let him keep it. im not saying im a saint. im not saying that i do nice things for people every second. but it would be nice if sometimes something nice happens to me.

i just want to go somewhere beautiful. so beautiful and colorful and alive i forget that im alone.

so amazing that im out of breath. and i just want to soak it all in for a minute.

just for a second.