describing the sky.

Today might have been/ be the best day of my life.

A while back in the middle of everything I used to listen to a song called "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot. I thought it was beautiful, one of those songs you dust off on good days and decided that I wouldn't listen to that song until I was happy. Until, it was undeniable.I listened to that song today.

It's amazing how life sometimes tricks you and how this great energy can one day decide that your done suffering. That this phase of living is over. Just in a snap. One day you're mourning your self and the next your living and breathing and your wondering what the fuck happened from the time you fell asleep until now. It's such a beautiful thing and for lack of a better word, it's...a true blessing. Not from God because I honestly don't believe in such a figure but a blessing from life its self. A blessing from the trees. The wind. It's a blessing from yourself.

Something was different today. It seems like the sunny weather did more than make me strip off my extra clothes. It brought light onto so many things. I started off by eating ice cream with my two friends in Park Slope. I was sitting there outside on a bench with them, laughing, and making my little sarcastic snips about this and that. Listening to Big D and the Kids Table blasting from my ipod. And I looked at them and actually felt there. Like it was real. Not in a dream or some state of wonderland that I've been in for so long. And I walked down the street with my overly-ripped pants and my hair flowing violently in the wind and looked around me. The trees were greener, people were more attractive. God, I mean it was so beautiful that it was over whelming. Where had I been? Had I never looked around me before? I must have been to busy looking at the concrete trying to mentally escape. After that lovely trip I took a walk with my mom to this new little coffee shop around the corner from my house. There were cool people in there. It was like an alternate universe. That coffee shop did not belong here, in this neighborhood. Nothing like that ever comes to Bushwick. And the barista smiled like she was having the best day of her life and I smiled on back. And there it was....Refuge. I just found it to be completely bizarre and rewarding that this place full of interesting people and lovely drinks would ever find itself to me.

So then I decided that I wasn't ready to stop this steady flow of karma dripping into my soul. I dusted off a recipe book and walked over to the grocery store. Smiling, yes, literally smiling like a loonie on an empty street. It was like I was discovering music for the first time. Everything was alive. It was so sweet. And as if this wonderful day was not enough. Theres so many shows and opportunities coming my way. All these shows conveniently taking place on days that I'm free. Like it's meant for me.

Blessing. for lack of a better word. It was a blessing. All those little events. It was like I had an epiphany.

I saw this person today who was friendly, and nice. Who laughed and smiled. I even saw this girl who was pretty. And it made me wonder. Is this me? This girl who's smiling like a loonie and writing poetry in her mind? Because if it is then I might actually have a chance at this. People might like me, but most importantly I think I may like myself. So it's finally time to let go. Of everything. All the words I've wrote in this blog are now over. I have to run with this feeling and give it everything I have. I need to be unafraid. I need to be me, the real me. Because I know the way I was living yesterday is toxic and ill. I'm never EVER gonna live long that way. I won't, its a guarantee because I had plans of not living long. I knew I didn't want to live long. I would cut my time short to stop it. My way of thinking was so...dark. So i need to reverse everything. And even if it doesn't last very long. And even though this might possibly be something that's going to forever place itself in my life....the depression and the anxiety. I have to give living a try. I have to stop existing. I have to stop thinking about suicide and my dad and thinking that it's fate I die young as well just because were so alike. I didn't really do anything major today. But still it was enough. And if this is what life is supposed to feel like then it's a life worth living.

"I'm living again/awake and alive/ I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies"