i find myself wishing for the same thing.

i always wanted to be something I'm not.

When i was in grade school i wanted hair like my friend Marina. Everyday I'd go to my mom and ask her to get me "white girl hair". Eventually I got my hair straightened and it made me feel pretty. I'd sit there and twirl it in my hands. I still do it now. I still like my hair when it's straight. When i got to middle school I had to wear RocaWear and babyphat. I could only have nikes on my feet. Everything was a goal and I had to do what I could. Whatever the cool kids did I eventually did as well. When I got to high school I thought i was the shit for a second then i followed the new trend and decided that wearing colorful jeans would be my thing. Now I'm here, not necessarily following anyone but still wanting to change. Still wanting my hair to be long and beautiful. Still wanting my hair color to speak more than my mouth ever will. I guess I just always wanted to be accepted. I think i just wanted to be loved. My whole life I dreamed of romance and love. Instead of thinking of the bible at church I was daydreaming about whoever I had a crush on.

But things were different then. At least someone liked me back. At least I was enough. I don't know who I'm competing against anymore. Sometimes I catch a couple eyes on me but who knows why. Maybe they're looking at how tall i am, or how I'm dressed, maybe they're looking at my hair. Either way they're not really looking at me. Whenever I'm at these shows and i see all these good looking guys and i see the way they never bother to look at me i feel kind of hopeless. I'll never be super skinny, with blue eyes, and long hair. I won't ever be enough...not enough to take a chance for. I've never really been on a date. Never had a guy sweep me off my feet. Never felt all those things i longed for.

i don't know, it just gets lonely. I just want to be accepted and I just want to be loved by someone.