Good Things // The Dangerous Summer

"That my hole in my life and how it stayed inside my limbs, must have been caught up in my skin. I'll change"

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard especially lately.

I'd be a fake if I said waking up at 6 am in the morning and not coming home till 7 o clock only fueled by a subway sandwich was glamorous.

It would be petty of me to say that being broke and hungry because I'm not getting paid was amazing.

It's tough, and it's hard, and I'm weary.

I feel low sometimes and wonder what I'm doing and if I'll make it. I think of myself going out for errand after errand and trying my best as an intern and wonder if it is appreciated. I wonder if that's all I am.....an intern. A girl that comes in and works her ass off for free. I wonder if my mom is right when she says that I'm being used.

Dear god it is hard sometimes and what makes it hard is that little shadow sitting on my shoulder and bringing down my mood. It makes it harder to climb the stairs in the train station. It makes me tired. It's me really, but keeping busy helps me clear my head.

Truthfully I am happy and as free as I'll ever be....but I'm tired. I just want someone to remember me sometimes. I just want someone to tell me that I'm doing a good job and to keep believing.

There are good days. Like when I laugh with Matt and Sarah when Matt says something hilarious. It's cool when Conway comes in and makes me forget I'm just an intern. I like being asked to help out at The Ready Set's video shoot and I like being able to go up to Jordan casually and say hello if I please. Those days make the hard days seem small.

No matter how hard this world gets I always think of all the thing's I've already accomplished. I think about the fact that I walk into Warner Records everyday like it's normal and I'm out getting discounts on merch because I work for the record label. I think about how nice my name looks on the guest list and how I don't have to pay for shit. But overall I like that Dave Conway said he was proud of me and told me to never give up. There's so many people my age and older who are so beneath me now....(and I don't mean that in a shallow way). People who sit on their asses and wait for life to come to them. Girls who can't cook dinner for themselves or figure out how to take the train back home when they're lost. Girls who have yet to have a real job or only care about shopping or drinking.

I am something to be proud of.

When I think like this it gets easier to power through the loneliness, makes it easy to shrug off the fact that I have yet to meet a decent guy, it doesn't make it difficult to know that no matter how much I progress no one ever asks...